“Something deep inside me knows that all my fear is a result of how I’m choosing to view this situation, and right now I don’t feel like holding a perspective that gives me more reasons to be fearful. Especially not in a situation that seems to be set up for the sole purpose of feeding on my fear.”

“As soon as my little sister text me telling me my womb donor had backed out of taking my niece to this function…I asked myself when the new moon is this month. It’s this Sunday…4/4/24…surprise surprise.”

“Unfortunately, that’s usually how it has to happen with emotionally toxic people. Our duality allows us to be both takers and givers…but we give to those who don’t deserve it and take from those we should be giving to.”

“For the longest I’ve crossed the line first and considered the consequences second when triggered. But this approach is counterproductive because I’m just setting myself up for follow up triggers when I respond to the first.”

“It’s literally one thing after another and all of it has the potential to make me lash out in a way that can be perceived as ‘manic’ to those who have been conditioned to excuse away logical reactions from those who have been ‘diagnosed’.”

“It’s one thing for me to know that I have no life…but it’s different when I feel like that truth is brought to someone else’s attention. It’s a reminder that I’m pretty much a prisoner of the war going on inside my mind and I haven’t been able to figure out how to change my circumstances.”

“Psychologists would probably label my bait beliefs as ‘gradiose delusions’ or even ‘psychosis’. God just sees me as another pair of His eyes…kept here to see into the hearts of those who hide their true character from those who have no sight.”

“This is the part where I say out loud…things that the voices in my head tell me to keep quiet.”

“When I wasn’t committed to keeping myself grounded…I kept getting tricked out of this position. But…I’ve been getting better at accepting what I can and can’t control. As much as I’d like to pretend I’ve achieved full acceptance on all levels…I’m still slooooowly coming to terms with the fact that what I can’t control is none of my business…no matter how much I secretly want it to be.”

“The fight to expose well hidden truths usually ends with the fighter being out powered by those in higher positions, while the others who also see these truths, but refuse to speak up, sit back and watch it all play out. I’d rather learn from their mistakes..instead of repeating them while foolishly believing I’ll get a different result.”

“I’m honestly annoyed that I’m more annoyed than angry right now. I really feel like I should be living up to my ‘diagnosis’ by having a real manic attack…but I’m too self-aware for me to pretend I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“All these people see is my erratic responses to these ‘tormenting spirits’ and I end up looking like the looney tune every time. So when I noticed the blinds hadn’t moved from the same open position…I started taking pictures and videos. After I had my evidence…I emailed the leasing office to ask if the camera could be moved over so that it didn’t capture me coming in and out of the hallway.”

“I honestly used to think wearing someone else’s personality allowed me to become a better version of myself. And I thought this way for so long because the feedback I’d get, from those I imitated, reinforced this belief. I learned the quickest way to be liked was not by being myself…but by becoming whoever I was surrounded by.”

“As hard as it is for me to admit…I can’t fix anyone but myself. It would be nice if I possessed the ability to make my ‘family’ want to heal our generational curses but after 4 years of trying to pin the tail on these donkeys…I’m the only one left feeling like an ass.”

“But this world makes it so easy for me to blame my inability to control myself on everything but me. I can throw temper tantrums because I’m ‘bipolar’. I can emotionally abuse others because I have ‘trauma’. I can overspend because I’m trying to fill a ‘void’ And I can disregard my health because I’m ‘addicted’. So many convenient excuses that help me shift blame to everything but my lack of willpower.”

“So when my fear of being judged took me out of my element, I had to acknowledge that it wasn’t because I had a fear of being misunderstood…like I initially told myself. It was because I didn’t want to experience what my judgement made so many other people experience…being boxed into an idea that can’t be changed.”

“I realize I portray myself as the victim in the majority of these posts…and I try to balance that with owning my part played as much as I acknowledge the mistakes of others. No idea if this balance is weighing out.”

“My intuition was screaming for me not to send it but the hatred I felt for my sister’s spirit outweighed the love I have for a child that is the only innocent soul in this situation. I put my desire to one up evil before my requirement to love and right now I feel the fullness of my ongoing mistake.”

“I now know that even though we all have the ability to become a better version of ourselves…that has nothing to do with who we have been…and who we currently are. The people we attract will always embody a culmination of ‘all the things’.”