AnotherOne
TRIGGER WARNING: Loooong post…that mentions domestic violence. And…this post is depressing asf.
These thoughts were triggered by fear…
New neighbor alert…and they came with another brand new doorbell camera that is now positioned so that it has a full view of everyone who enters and exits the stairwell I use. I have taken the stairs, instead of the elevator, since I moved in because there is a camera on the door across from that too. I hate those things. Today, after the new camera caused a mini panic attack…I sat with my fear so I could center myself enough to source where it was coming from. Then…I realized that I developed so much anxiety around these devices for more reasons than the one I spoke about a few months ago. The first was the fact that a door camera shows up around me every time I move and someone in my family finds out my new address. Today…I sourced another one of my fears to the abusive relationship that took up all of my late 20s. Side note: I realize I portray myself as the victim in the majority of these posts…and I try to balance that with owning my part played as much as I acknowledge the mistakes of others. No idea if this balance is weighing out though.
I left that relationship a handful of times but this abusive ex used to stalk me via email, fake numbers that showed up as saved contacts in my phone, and pop ups whenever I would leave. And…I’d go back every time because I didn’t believe I could do better. He’s the first ‘ghost dad’ who I now assume was trying to trap me with his children and the same one I referenced some months back who found my new number and contacted me. I never answer the phone for unknown numbers so when he called I let it go to voicemail. He text me a couple times after that letting me know it was him and in one of the texts he named the city I lived in, before I moved to where I live now…threatening to pop up if I didn’t answer. I know I spoke about texting him back because I wanted to show “my growth” but I honestly responded the way I did so that he continued thinking he had the right location.
In my last text, of the two I sent, I told him I had no idea how he knew where I lived and said it made more sense for him to move on with his life. I blocked him before sending that message and he’s created at least 6 fake numbers that I blocked, since then. Hindsight tells me not responding at all would’ve made more sense because I was still receiving random texts up until a month ago. After tracking me down to rekindle whatever connection he thought we still had…all the fear I had associated with being ‘found’ came back up. That…combined with the cameras that keep popping up around my unit is sending me into a mental space that is telling me to isolate myself until my anxiety subsides. All because I made the mistake of getting in a relationship with someone who was unhealed from his own childhood trauma…before I realized I had so much of my own. And that is always grounds for domestic dysfunction in individuals who have no idea how to communicate in any language outside of co-dependence.
Just like the source for most of the other mistakes I made in my youth…my decision to stay in that relationship after the abuse started was a result of me witnessing, at a young age, my mother stay in her own abusive relationship. Which is another generational curse I attempted to address in the group chats because it’s still a thing…but no one could bring themselves to speak on the topic. A while back, I spoke about my verbal abuse in that relationship being just as bad as his physical abuse because the scars I left on his mental state were just as bad as the scar I still wear on my body from him. But they are not the same. Because the physically abused usually leave with some kind of physical reminder of the abuse…AND emotional scarring on top of that. His version of persistence, that only came after my exit, left me with the emotional scar of fear. This fear still paralyzes me every time I see a camera in my face…or near my place. So when I noticed the new camera next door…I had a slight panic attack. I was two seconds from typing out an email that I’m sure the leasing office anticipated but before I picked up my phone…I bowed before God.
Being outside of the view of a camera is now an impossibility in this society. People have a need, and the right, to protect their premises. So when talking to God…I asked for Him to help me view this situation in a way that doesn’t leave me looking like a manic’n. I walked away with a perception that this is God’s way of giving me extra protection. This new camera that faces the stairwell door can see what the camera that I blocked, from the neighbor on the other side of me, can’t see. So if anything…I’m being looked after and not looked at. If I allow myself to hold the positive perspective at a higher esteem than I hold the negative… I won’t fall so far into my fear. I speak all the time about my belief in God so I’m choosing to see this as another opportunity for me to let go of my false sense of control by allowing Him to handle what I’m not able to carry. And right now…my fear is breaking my back. So I’m doing my part to fixate on thoughts that don’t take me backwards…and detaching from my default fears by giving what I can’t make sense of to God. I’m not curled up in the fetal position so I think I’m making the right decision.
Love,
Choosy
