“Earlier today I started thinking about that experience because the space I’m currently in feels like my own personal escape room. But this time I don’t have anyone else helping me solve the clues that will ultimately lead to my freedom. So when I get a clue wrong…it’s all on me. I never felt like I was on a time restriction before but now that I’m approaching the 40 yard line…the tocks are ticking loud asf. All of the riddles in this room open a wound from my childhood that hasn’t been healed yet and this latest one involves my abandonment issues. I don’t like leaving and I don’t like being left but in order to escape the mental decline that takes place when either happens…I have to learn how to be solid enough to hold my own…on my own.”

“The only way to correct the damage that I’ve done to both my little sister and my niece is to accept defeat and detach. I was so busy trying to stop my sister from being so codependent on me that I didn’t realize how codependent I’d become on having her child around. The trauma bond that was developing between us needed to be severed and if my absence fixes what I broke…I can’t war against that. My solution would’ve never been to completely remove my presence from her picture but I don’t have the privilege of changing that decision. So I have to accept the fact that even though this situation is nothing like the way I want it to be…it is what it is.”

“This displaced passive aggression is why my ability to be overly critical of others always seems to increase when I’m completely removed from all aspects of my ‘family'. Because in the absence of telling my ‘family’ all that they’re doing wrong…I had no one else to make feel small. I’m not sure if I ever looked at it through that lens of truth before but…that’s exactly what I was doing. Turning my judgmental fingers inward isn’t a new concept for me but it never seemed to be enough when I was engulfed in emotional pain. And my solution was always to drag others in because…my misery loved company. Now…I finally reached the point where I can sit with my undesirable feelings without trying to dictate how many other people meet me at the same destination.”

“Playing the victim card is usually how I justify my inability to stop repeating past behavior that goes against most spiritual laws. But…I’ve aged out of that. So when my little sister sent me a screenshot inadvertently showing that she blocked me from my niece’s tablet while making her think I ignored her text…my seasoned side reminded me that the only one who will be penalized for my irrational response is me. In my opinion…I would’ve been justified for leaving the comfort of my highbernation to hit below the belt behind this blatant lie. Unfortunately for me…God knows how capable I now am of controlling myself…”

“I never figured that I was the reason for the switch up in other people because I convinced myself it was acceptable to present the best version of me to them…until I was comfortable enough to show my other side(s). But by the time I got that comfortable…they fully believed all there was to know about me was known. So when my hidden personalities showed up…the only option I left them with was to treat me like a stranger because that’s basically who I was to them. Rewiring my brain to show al…97.4% of my characters early on is now mandatory because my sURpRiSes never get the kind of appreciation they deserve.”

“And even though it’s going on a month since my sister allowed me to speak to my niece…the way I’m choosing to deal with this month’s trigger…looks nothing like the way I dealt with their triggers from last month. I finally reached the point where I can allow myself to breakdown…while fully accepting the fact that I’m able to build myself back up immediately after. My pride would love for me to take the credit for doing this without taking days, weeks or months to recover like I used to. But my soul knows that when I’m hanging on the bar of my breaking point…the strength that allows me to execute my upward pull…is only a result of the support I receive from God.”

“But the more I heal…the more I see that you can always tell who the weakest one in the room is by how they handle the people holding them accountable. It’s usually the ones who were never taught how to look in their own mirror…that have the hardest time accepting what their reflection actually looks like. Instead of taking the time to self-reflect…they waste energy on eating away at the confidence of whoever has the audacity to show them what they refuse to see. And…it’s a ‘so’ for me because the projections just validate my assumption of poor parenting. ReSPeCtFulLy speaking…if this is the fruit…the tree must be toxic as a m’er f’er.”

“So instead of me focusing on those who are slowly starting to realize I’m now in full control of THEIR emotions…I’ll focus on someone else experiencing the same. I didn’t want to interject my thoughts into the current situation playing out between two of my favorite Geminis right now because…it looks like this is a one sided tussle. The fact that the tussler shares my ‘diagnosis’…almost invoked my ability to be biased. But I’m going with the disciplined…instead of the disrespectful this time. I know that makes me a hypocrite…but I’m finally learning it’s a time and a place.”

“This man ended up telling me that if I really wanted to help him…I could be his friend. I won’t lie…I thought he was bat sh*t crazy. But only because back then…I didn’t value things that were actually important. He saw the world from a lens that went below the surface and above my level of emotional maturity. And as embarrassing as it is for me to admit…I didn’t befriend him. I kept it at hi and bye and went on with my life because I wanted to give the kind of help that required me to do as little as possible...money. Looking back, that was God’s way of revealing my soul…”

“I always start out so strong when setting my logical familial boundaries but as soon as the reality of my isolation sets in…my reasoning for enforcing it usually starts to weaken. I don’t have any intention of unblocking my little sister though because…“it’s above me now”. She put everything into trying to trigger a manic reaction out of me and every time I think about how bad that situation could’ve gone if I didn’t stay in control of my emotions…my anger makes me angry. Why? Because these garden tools obviously want me stuck in misery.”

“Admitting that I needed to take the lead on solving my problems was a foreign concept because I refused to openly acknowledge I had any. The private tears I shed allowed me to acknowledge these truths to myself. But keeping them locked behind closed doors made it feel impossible for me to reach out for help because…everyone had already bought into the smiles that I staged every time I got close to breaking down. I’m sure a lot of people could see through my filters but…we’ve always lived in a world where everyone sees something…and says nothing.”

“All this time I’d been handling her with the same kid gloves my bloods handled me with and even though I knew the rotten fruit it produced in me…I kept overwatering a plant that was fully capable of thriving off of minimal maintenance. The guilt I still had from all the help given to me is why I compensated so heavily but…it started to feel like I was emotionally abusing her after I saw how much my help hindered her progress. Because that help reinforced the fallacy of her incompetence…which was the same thing as me imprinting the idea of worthlessness onto her psyche.”

“If I could take any piece of my transmuted trauma and turn it into a lesson…that lesson would be: crash tf out…immediately. Do it responsibly of course, but get that part out the way early on. It’ll show you who is worth fighting for while showing you who’s fighting against you at the same time. I learned the hard way that driving in your lane only works when the cars around you aren’t trying to get you to drive off the road God paved for you. So crash that m’er f’er and afterwards…go into hiding to make the repairs yourself.“

“So…I sent the text that marks the end of this chapter in my life. …..I didn’t think I’d see the day where I literally lost all my will to fight them but as it stands right now…choosing not to fight is the only way for me to win. It’s infuriating to look back at all the years I wasted trying to get them to see what they were purposely turning a blind eye to. The only upside of my refusal to give up is the fact that I was able to find acceptance in myself through their relentless rejection.”

“With the full moon/eclipse coming up…I expected an astronomical trigger because history shows this is when my ‘family’ puts their best broom forward. So I’m not surprised that I’m currently out of touch with my niece because when they do ritualistic triggers like these…they usually create an environment where I’m in complete isolation…….The only surprise I have the privilege of experiencing is the fact that this time…I instinctively choose to isolate myself. This seems to have thrown off the effectiveness of the ritual because now that they don’t have me stressed out in a state of worry…I’m able to maintain a heightened vibration.“

“I’ve encountered the kind of ‘be jealous of me pretty pretty please’ energy a lot throughout my life…….Women silently compete with each other by using whatever advantage we feel we have, to compensate for feelings of inferiority. It’s usually done when in the presence of another woman who has something that we perceive we don’t. And men exploit the insecurities of these same women to gain favor in the eyes of other men. It’s weird and just shows how desperate we are to have our peers envy what we pretend to have…i.e self-love.”

“Typically she’ll go out of her way to incite my rage and I give her what she’s asking for. The back and forth will go on for a while and by the end of it…my ego will be stroked…but my energy will be drained. Which means I lost…twice. But lately…I haven’t needed these strokes to get me any empty wins because all the work I’ve been sowing is finally reaping rewards. So when she text me earlier today insinuating that she was going to manipulate my niece into believing I am who I’m not…I replied with a simple “Ok”…because I no longer feel the need to prove myself.”

“I waited a week before finally sending the text because whenever I enforce a boundary that requires them to take ownership of their behavior…the intentional triggers increase. Thankfully, God has been teaching me to spend more time silently observing behavior than I do speaking on it…so my patience is patient. And even though the name calling was unnecessary, the bullet points taken during my silent observation backs my word choice…from every angle.”

“When it benefited me to use those emotions to my advantage I did but this time I let myself get complacent in my sadness. Which went against the self-love I’ve been telling myself I deserve all this time. I fully understand that there are times when rest is needed…but I took advantage of my break and instead of me switching back on sooner…I offered myself empty words meant to pacify my emotions into thinking that my inaction was okay. It wasn’t.”