Pennies
These thoughts were triggered by the thought of getting back what I put out…
I know I’ve touched on my fear of outsider opinions a few times already but I’m spinning the ‘blog’ again because after my last post…I felt panicked. I was vulnerable about a part of my life I rarely talk about and…I don’t know y’all like that. I know I have a track record of sharing…and oversharing…which doesn’t bother me because I share things that I have had time to process. My last post was written an hour after my mini panic attack though, which didn’t give me the length of time I usually have to sit with my thoughts before I write them out. But I didn’t have a back up post so…there’s that. Normally when I go to a place of rushed vulnerability…I sit and wonder how my words will be viewed because everyone sees things from their personal perspective. I hate when I have these thoughts…because everything in me wants to hurry up and get to the part of my life where I can authentically share what I want..as is…without being so invested in the two cents of others.
My ego wants me to pretend the opinions of others have no effect on me but my soul needs them to so I can get to the lesson. Today’s lesson is…the only reason I put so much weight on what others might think of me…is because I put so much weight on what I think of others. It’s crazy to admit, out loud, but when I make a judgement about someone…it’s usually the end all be all. I rarely change my mind and in order for it to be changed..I have to have an overwhelming amount of evidence to contradict my conviction. My judgments have sometimes ended in me seeing those I stand in judgement of in the worst light possible…and the part of me that knows my behavior is wrong is what had me so fearful of the same thing being done to me. I’ve been weaning myself off of this version of my judgement, by extending more grace, but at this point the bad part of this habit has been developed. And habits take time to break. But when considering the lesson…I had to come to the understanding that receiving back what I put out is never not the goal because my intention is to stay in alignment. So whatever I get back is just my compass telling me where I am.
If I’m being honest…I have to say that I still can’t imagine a world where my opinion doesn’t trump everyone else’s. Yes…you read that right. I’m not sure when I developed such a heightened sense of importance but I’m starting to wonder if this is the reason all my attempts to cosplay the family therapist have gone sideways. Aside from the ‘gas’ they keep in constant rotation…my belief that my judgement should be the ‘highest in the room’ clearly isn’t helping. So when my fear of being judged took me out of my element, I had to acknowledge that it wasn’t because I had a fear of being misunderstood…like I initially told myself. It was because I didn’t want to experience what my judgement made so many other people experience…being boxed into an idea that can’t be changed. Someone I used to know would call me the “judge and jury” because I was always so quick to condemn while refusing to have any outside input. My resistance to that karma returning to balance itself out is why I was so anxious. But if I accept the consequences of my negative judgments against others, I have to accept that the two cents I’ve earned, has every right to “cash me outside”.
Love,
Choosy
