Quickie
These thoughts were triggered by my lack of willpower…
I’ve been strung out on sugar since childhood and just like most addicts…I used to hide the full extent of my habit. The way I could eat a whole box of Debbie Cakes in 2 days, or less, should be studied. Metabolism prevents me from comfortably continuing that behavior now but my obsession with the other ‘white girl’ is still here. And now that I have the privilege of watching a child grow up, I see firsthand how my addiction started. Candy is everywhere and it’s “cheap”. I’ve fallen for the babydoll eyes a lot when my niece and I get to the front of the line at the stores we go into. She asks for pretty packages of artificially flavored sugar and I say yes. But my yes’s stopped a couple months ago because I realized I was participating in getting her hooked on a drug that I still haven’t been able to stop using. I haven’t thought twice about committing to my decision but I’m having a hard time understanding why keeping the same energy with myself is so hard for me to do. I know the destruction it’s done to my teeth over the years but none of that has kept me away from the corner…stores.
Over the years I’ve quit too many times to remember. I usually quit cold turkey and the longest I’ve lasted is a couple months. As much as I would like to blame my inability to permanently stop eating sugar, on something other than my lack of self-control…I can’t. Saying I’m ‘addicted’ is the easiest, socially acceptable, excuse but at this point…I eat sweets because I want to. And my ability to quit whenever I get a toothache validates that belief. If the circumstances are uncomfortable enough for me…I disregard my ‘habit’ altogether. And when I’m no longer in pain…I start back eating what I know will eventually lead to my discomfort. So I eat sugar snacks because I can…not because I have to. If I had to…I’d never be able to stop. But this world makes it so easy for me to blame my inability to control myself on everything but me. I can throw temper tantrums because I’m ‘bipolar’. I can emotionally abuse others because I have ‘trauma’. I can overspend because I’m trying to fill a ‘void’ And I can disregard my health because I’m ‘addicted’. So many convenient excuses that help me shift blame to everything but my lack of willpower.
I now equate my inability to quit sugar to a person who tells themselves they can’t stop cheating on someone they claim to love. The lack of self-control lines up and there is a certain level of satisfaction that comes from the act of doing what I know I shouldn’t do. The high I receive from that satisfaction is what I assume someone who is unfaithful feels. Unfortunately, the satisfaction I get from “schwallowing up” my sugar lasts just as long as it lasts for those who sneak and link…not long enough for it to be worth the risk. What’s worse is the consequences of that satisfaction can cause irreversible damage that I choose to ignore because my need for instant gratification outweighs the comfort I desire for my future self. And this applies to more areas than a sweet tooth. All the toxic behavior I engage in, that feels good in the moment, needs to be seen for what it is too. A quickie…that will make me happy for a little while but will leave me feeling f*cked in the future. So…I quit again. Tomorrow though…because I busted some Oreo’s wide open earlier today.
Love,
Choosy
