TrainingFeels
These thoughts were triggered by thoughts of previous thoughts….
I started a new Yoga DVD. The one I was doing before was for beginners and I memorized all the exercises a while ago. So when the DVD started skipping…I knew that was my sign to start the other one I’ve been avoiding for months. (Streaming is skip free but I like what I like.) The instructor on the new one is a well known trainer and her intensity makes me extremely uncomfortable. The back of the DVD cover let me know how much work I’d be required to put in once I started…which is why I stalled for so long. It’s been three weeks since I started actively antagonizing my muscles and the first week had my upper body screaming! When the second week came…I made every excuse not to continue because I missed being able to raise my arm without tears swimming to my ducts. But by the end of the second week the pain went away and I was able to hold this pose called ‘Chaturanga’…without free falling onto my face. So despite all my whining, I went from not being able to do the pose at all one week…to being able to go all the way down and hold it…for a handful of seconds the next. “Big where?”
I won’t pretend that I’m any kind of fitness fein though because I only workout so I can eat most of what I want. I’ve gotten better with food though because in my 20s the word diet wasn’t even in my vocabulary. This is when I discovered the power of a gym routine. I was an elliptical girlie back then and there was one point where I was going to the gym M-F, doing a minimum of an hour on that equipment. I developed most of my muscle memory from those days which is why it didn’t take me long to get a grip on that pose. Recognizing the origin of my resurfaced strength helped validate my belief that our mind, body and souls don’t forget anything. Our experiences imprint themselves on our memory…and are usually ignored until they have a reason to be remembered. This is why whenever I deal with the current dysfunction of my ‘familial’ unit…traumatizing experiences I didn’t remember having in my childhood, are brought back up to the surface. Time eventually revealed that they’re being brought back up so that I can take my time to heal them. But before realizing that…I exhausted the majority of my energy by focusing on what everyone else needed to heal.
As hard as it is for me to admit…I can’t fix anyone but myself. It would be nice if I possessed the ability to make my ‘family’ want to heal our generational curses but after 4 years of trying to pin the tail on these donkeys…I’m the only one left feeling like an ass. Because everyone else seems to be going on with ‘familial’ life as usual. My niece FaceTimed me a couple days ago while she was with my BM, my twin and my little sister. Everyone was laughing and existing like normal human beings but when my niece tried to get me to be a part of the conversation…I got quiet and then changed the subject. My initial silence was a result of the mental muscle that flexed when I realized this is how I was trained to behave. In my childhood, it was a never ending reality for me to try to address an issue…be ignored…and then granted the option of reentry to these ‘relationships’ after pretending I never had an issue to begin with. So now that I see I’m being presented with another opportunity to heal this misguidance…instead of putting it off and going to the group chat, writing out another pattern I see…I accept that I’m now strong enough to hold my own…alone. Especially since being in the company of the horde means I have to reactivate the muscle that ignores my insight.
Love,
Choosy
