UndressMe
These thoughts were triggered by the desire to show my as…pirations of being free spirited…
Humans have a built in desire to be liked by other humans. It’s a trait I inherited and I’ve yet to meet someone in this world who hasn’t had similar desires at some point in their life. We thrive off of our likability and this is what drives us to cut our cookies in the same shape as everyone else. We want to be accepted by whatever is acceptable so most of us assimilate into our assigned roles. I have no issue with this. As someone who has been disliked more than I’ve been liked in my lifetime, I can understand people playing whatever character they need to play in order to get the results they seek. I developed my role play personality in my youth and it’s what taught me my survival skills. Playing dress up was needed in order for me to figure out what the requirements for being liked were. But the older I get…the less desire I have to dress myself in clothes that don’t fit me.
I honestly used to think wearing someone else’s personality allowed me to become a better version of myself. And I thought this way for so long because the feedback I’d get, from those I imitated, reinforced this belief. I learned the quickest way to be liked was not by being myself…but by becoming whoever I was surrounded by. And that gave me the acceptance that I craved. Feeling accepted, to someone who hasn’t accepted themselves, is like a high. It’s welcoming, it’s engaging and it’s a constant source of validation. Which is why I went through the process of discarding who I really was in order to assimilate into the version of me that other people desired. Distancing myself from this kind of conditioning is a lot harder than I anticipated because it requires me to commit myself to being who I am…irrespective of the feedback I receive. But the response I receive isn’t the hardest part. It’s the vulnerability that comes with undressing myself in front of strangers that stiffens my psyche.
When I’m alone…vulnerability is my safe space. She allows me to be who I am without the fear of judgement and she encourages me to feel the fullness of my feminine energy. And even with this considered…I still struggle with accessing her when in the presence of others. The times I allow myself to ‘skinny dip’, in public pools, gives me a rush of adrenaline that stimulates all parts of my mental. But the moment too many eyes are drawn to me…I rush to find the nearest cover up…in hopes of blending back in. I’m naturally shy and I’ve noticed being myself draws a lot of attention. I know my resistance to this attention is rooted in the disguise I wore for so long because it shielded me from having to put who I truly am out there for others to see. Building up my self-confidence is slowly helping me take off the layers I’ve been hiding under for years though. This slow stripping away of who I’m not, is starting to reveal the part of me that has always known…I look better naked.
Love,
Choosy
