Classy

Update: I didn’t go back to the chat.

These thoughts were triggered by being put in my place…

I’m slowly becoming more comfortable accepting the fact that I enjoy a good ‘mani’. For normal people…this term suggests being pampered with a manicure. But for me…it’s an indication of the affection I have for being manic and manipulative. I don’t say this to encourage anyone to engage in these behaviors though. The only reason I have a love for them is because when I engage…a lesson always follows. And if I am actively trying to learn myself…God reveals the unseen to me. It’s taken me a while to admit to myself that I’m a fan of ‘M & M’s’, but now that I’m open to telling myself the truth about me…it is what it is. Normally I’m pretty quick with recognizing when I’m engaged in either behavior…but my ‘Dad’ brought to my attention the fact that I’ve been attempting to manipulate Him for about a year now. Full Disclosure: He wants me to do more work and…I HATE WORKING. If I didn’t have to earn a living…I’d be 100% comfortable with being ‘lazy’. So when He suggested that I add another layer of work to this ‘project’…I started giving him premium gas. Unleaded felt disrespectful.

When I first started this blog…it felt like a part time job because it would take me a couple hours to write a post and two more to edit it down. But because I’ve been committed to writing daily…I can now write/edit a post in a third of that time. So…the foundation has been laid. I assumed I was okay resting in this new place of comfort but that’s not the kind of work ethic God finds value in when something is being birthed. Unfortunately for me, whenever I feel guided to add more to my plate…I usually stand in protest because I fully believe that this life is supposed to be as effortless as possible. The reality of this life, however, is that we were all born with an assignment. I feel like I was put here to teach others...how to be a student….so here we are. And a student’s work steadily increases until they graduate. So while wasting my time complaining the other day about how long it will take me to learn the new set of skills that God told me to learn a year ago…He brought me to the front of His class.

I’ve gotten so comfortable in all the privileges God has given me because I honestly feel like I’m deserving of them. And the greatest privilege I have right now is my free time. BUT…I don’t deserve it because the way I acquired it was by sacrificing the lives of my children. These children were all supposed to have full life spans…so fixating on a ‘project’ for months at a time and then becoming complacent when I feel satisfied…was never an option. I told God a while ago that I wanted to repent for my decisions to abort and my repentance includes putting in whatever work is needed so that this ‘project’ has a full life. Because my intention is to share what I see with whoever stumbles across this blog. Which is why I have to be open to dissecting my behavior because I can’t show anyone else what I see…if I’m not open to seeing it first. The things I see in myself aren’t isolated behavioral patterns…we all have shared experiences…even if they don’t look the same. So sharing how I work through my ‘visions’…might help someone who hasn’t realized this healing is a class project.

Love,

Choosy