ManicAttack
TRIGGERED = LONG POST
I went back to the chat and got a ‘mani(c)/petty’ today…
Learning lessons isn’t my area of expertise. Which is why I’ve been repeating the same one for so many years. This repetitive lesson is for me to learn how to have a certain level of self-control that prevents me from engaging in toxic behavior that I’ll just regret right after the moment passes. It feels like I’ve been trying to train my toxicity to purr instead of growl for a while now. Some progress has been made but it’s still giving Poison. So after I sent the 5th…or 6th..’listen to me or else’ text to the group chat today…I felt the fullness of my inability to control myself. (SS’s below) After the last text, which hinted at all control being scoonched aside, I put my phone down…and cried like a pre-teen. I allowed myself to be drawn into ANOTHER trigger trap…meant to cause chaos. And I participated…all while knowing the outcome would be me being separated from my niece. But I couldn’t drop my pride enough to walk away from the conversation this time.
Moments like this are why I am forever grateful for my decision not to have children. Because I don’t always factor in how my actions will affect those I care about when I’m frustrated. All I see is my need to win an empty victory and the casualties of war are just a part of that ‘win’. So today when my little sister showed me her favorite form of disrespect, by way of playing with my time, I removed her ability to do so. This decision gave me immediate satisfaction…but after I hopped out of my trance of toxicity…all I could think about was how my need to prove my dominance will only lead to me losing access to the last pawn these ‘women’ have on this board. But after working until 1am…and waking up at 6am…just to make sure I got my pre-work work done…my patience was non existent when my little sister ‘fell back asleep’…before remembering to tell me she wasn’t dropping my niece off at 8am like we had agreed to the night before. If this were the first time her entitlement disrupted my schedule I wouldn’t have been so quick to draw my line in her disrespect. But this has happened a few times.
Why I took this information back to the group chat is beyond me right now because nothing positive ever comes from this decision. If I had to guess my reasoning…I’d say that I needed to have the eruption that has been bubbling in me for these past few weeks. I didn’t expect anyone in the chat to empathize with me because nothing is being done to me now…that they haven’t sat back and witnessed, in silence, over the years. I was honestly slightly relieved when no one chimed in to gaslight me. That to me is better than their validation because I didn’t have to expend energy on explaining the frustration I feel with the fact that I am once again fighting to prove I’m not ‘bipolar’ while in the middle of a stealth induced ‘manic attack’. And their silence let me say all the uninterrupted words I needed to in order to make me forget about the fact that I once again contributed to the reason for me not being able to see my niece.
As soon as I hit the ‘send’ button after telling my little sister to “find a new babysitter” I felt guilt…directly underneath my gratification. My intuition was screaming for me not to send it but the hatred I felt for my sister’s spirit outweighed the love I have for a child that is the only innocent soul in this situation. I put my desire to one up evil before my requirement to love and right now I feel the fullness of my ongoing choice. My eyes currently have suitcases underneath them and I’M ANNOYED! I f*cked up again and I knew I was wrong before “I said what I said”…because what I said was some…(IYKYK). And all my wrong is going to do is give my sister another reason to play victim, and the last text I sent the chat is going to add credence to their claims of my mental instability. I could sit and talk for hours about how they’re purposefully triggering me but none of that is going to make a difference to a child that has no clue the war being fought right under her nose. Because all she will want to know, once again, is why she didn’t get to come to my house and play…like she was told she was going to get to do.
Love,
Choosy
