SettleDown
CAUTION: OVERSHARE POST.
These thoughts were triggered by my need to minimize delusions of grandeur…
There’s so much to be said for the mindset a lot of the women in my family possess. I’ve done my best to avoid falling victim to the belief systems of my ‘elders’ but…I’m not a magician. There were a lot of beliefs ingrained in me at an early age and it’s taking everything in me to turn a new leaf on this family tree of dysfunction. I can’t say how many ‘ships’ I’ve sunk with my ‘higher than thou’ beliefs. My friendships, relationships, acquaintanceships, and situationships have all ended the same exact way. I leave when I start to feel like I’m settling for what someone else is offering me…even when they are matching my offer in one way or another. This habit of hubris was passed down from my BM, whose favorite go to line has always been “I refuse to settle”. She got it from her momma. When I was younger, I didn’t fully understand what effect this phrase would have on my psyche. But when I joined the real world…I found myself with a heightened sense of superiority in all of the ‘ships’ I set sail on.
It wasn’t until I left my last relationship that my ego was forced to meet the acquaintance of my reality. I hate to keep referencing my last ex but that relationship was the catalyst for my healing journey. After finding myself unable to replace the man I left, with someone better, I slowly started accepting the fact that attracting ‘better’ will never happen because I will always attract my match. My ex is an insanely intelligent man…aside from having 3 babies by three different, but similar, women. When we met I also had three kids, but by one man. A lack of self-control was our matchstick. The only real difference between us was that I had (and made) the decision not to go through with the 2 seeds that could’ve gone full term. Even with that knowing…I still carried the arrogance of an abortion-less child free woman. And it never dawned on me that I had attracted who I was because I saw everything from the 3D. So seeing the kids he came with as ‘baggage’ was my way of placing my value over his. Which made it easier to stand in the illusion that I was above him…and no one could change my opinion.
Long story longer: I started regurgitating the delusions of a daughter raised by a fairy taler…and told myself not to settle because everyone else was the problem.
Back then I acted from a place that was heavily detached from my actual reality and I wish someone would’ve been able to teach me what I now know…before I was forced to learn the hard way. I now know that even though we all have the ability to become a better version of ourselves…that has nothing to do with who we have been…and who we currently are. The people we attract will always embody a culmination of ‘all the things’. The parts of ourselves that we don’t want to accept and the parts we want to show off to the world. That is the true definition of being ‘evenly yoked’. Unfortunately, I see a lot of women (AND MEN), that share my hue, who exclaim the same kind of sentiments as the ones my BM passed down to me because our egos convince us we aren’t who we are. Which is why the majority of us are alone. Our refusal to accept who we truly are…is what is forcing us to reject the matches we attract.
Love,
Choosy
