MoonMe
These thoughts were triggered by the frustration that comes from being right…about something being wrong…
At this point I don’t want anyone second guessing my intuition. I’M ALWAYS RIGHT…most of the time. I would be standing in satisfaction for my ability to see through illusions…if the picture revealed was easy on the eyes. But all I see is a pattern of ‘manic’ triggers dating back to my teenage ‘diagnosis’. These triggers are meant to make me go mad, and my ‘family’ actively participates in them every moon cycle. And I was ‘moon’d’ again on Friday…the new moon. I know the only examples I’ve been giving are ones initiated by my little sister but that’s only because she is the only one who still has access to my psyche right now. My desire not to have another niece taken from me has me tethered to her toxicity. Everyone else in this clown act has either cut my communication to their child tethers…or showed their hand in the group chat(s) before they figured out I wasn’t lying about what I see. So all the pressure to perform is on the shoulders of the youngest result of my ‘mothers’ unprotected sexcapades.
This latest attempt ended up failing, like most of the other ones, because I picked up on the context clues beforehand. There is always a pregame scrimmage that takes place before the actual set up and last week’s argument between my little sister and I was the warm up. Nothing annoys me more than someone who takes my time for granted and the horde knows this. I’ve referenced my little sister expecting me to plan my schedule around hers so many times in this blog and that’s because playing with my time is one of the quickest ways to get a reaction out of me. So last week when I spent all night doing my niece’s hair, knowing I had to work the next morning, and my little sister wasn’t readily available when I was done to come get her…I referred to her as a “miserable BM”. I called an audible on doing my nieces hair that night because it needed to be done and I know my little sister has a lot on her plate. But no good deed goes unpunished. Which is why my sister took her time coming to get her child AND THEN blamed me for taking so long to do her child’s hair.
The loss of my temper in that text exchange just proved that tampering with my time still gets under my skin so Friday the tampering commenced. I was asked to babysit for a specified amount of time and then when that time was almost up I was asked to keep my niece overnight. All of this was done at the last minute. After the argument from last week I told myself to just give my sister ‘yes/no’ answers until I figured out how not to disrespect her when I get frustrated. I was doing good on not saying too much until I realized that rearranging my schedule to fit hers…and then pretending I’m the inconsiderate one for saying no, is how they trigger me to feel guilt for not being there for my niece. Guilt is an emotion that lowers vibrations and from what I’m learning…new moons are portals. What you feel during this time is what sets the tone for what you experience the rest of the month. Having me in the energy of guilt, fueled by the fear, is what my energy would’ve been calling in. So I put on my mask of maturity and called a thing a thing. (SS’s below). I feel like a whole adult.
Love,
Choosy
Clarification: In a normal family, babysitting for someone who is trying to work isn’t grounds for a conspiracy theory. In my ‘family’, I’m expected to be at the beckon call of a woman who regularly uses her child to incite my mental unrest. The weekend ended on a good note though because I was able to spend time with my niece and we stayed up all night/morning playing with her toys, doing our nails, and making slime…aka attracting happiness.
Full Disclosure: I blocked my sister in the 3rd SS after my text that said “that’s what babysitters are for.” I saw her text bubble…bubbling…and I knew an argument was about to start. The last time I was given the opportunity to curb my cattiness…I didn’t take it and I felt regret. This time…I knew I was still incapable of ‘curbing’ her so I blocked her access for 2 minutes. After that I unblocked her. This allowed me to avoid giving her a reason to renege. A win is a win.
