Giggles

These thoughts were triggered by reacting to a trigger…

I don’t want to be a reactionist anymore. It’s draining…my body gets hot…words come out my mouth before I run them past my mind…and I usually end up regretting my inability to take into consideration how my future self will be affected by the reactions of my present. With these responses, I subconsciously know what will be considered an overstep of boundaries and in regards to my ‘family…I’m an avid ‘overstepper’. For the longest I’ve crossed the line first and considered the consequences second when triggered. But this approach is counterproductive because I’m just setting myself up for follow up triggers when I respond to the first. My reactions continue to be used against me…and this truth keeps showing itself to me but I keep overlooking it when I’m frustrated. So lately I’ve been trying to temper my responses so I can remain as unbothered as possible. Unfortunately…I had no idea how much effort actually goes into maintaining an unbothered disposition.

My little sister gives me the opportunity to practice maintaining this state of mind every other day because she’s a boundary bypasser too. So if I can temper myself when dealing with her…I feel like I’ll master my ability to control my state of mind. As it stands now though…I have a history of allowing my reaction…to her reaction…of my reaction…to her entitlement…to make me miss out on milestone moments for my niece. Another one of those milestones is coming up and last week my little sister orchestrated a trigger that I feel was meant to have me react in a way that would give her a reason to exclude me. But instead of giving the reaction that I’m sure she was expecting…I gave her the reaction she was expecting…and then I apologized. Baby steps. After avoiding my exclusion with that apology…a few days passed and she presented me with another trigger. At this point, we’re all familiar with the fact that her favorite trigger is not being available when it’s time for me to drop her child off. So when her generous nature gifted me this agitation yesterday…I saw it for what it was and kept my composure.

This time I was only kept waiting for 30 minutes and when she finally made it to my car, her and the person she was walking back from the store with were giggling. Which made my eye twitch but I told myself to look at the bigger picture because the milestone is taking place at the end of this week. So I swallowed my prideful tongue until earlier today when I started thinking about the first trigger from a few days ago…that stemmed from a toxic tradition passed down from our ‘mother’. That’s when my fingers started texting in the group chat. My little sister got another phone number and isn’t in the chat that’s already in motion. I haven’t felt like making a new one so she doesn’t see any of what I write unless my twin shows her. That worked for me because I was really addressing my ‘mother’ with my text today. I’m back to directing my frustration to the ‘matriarch’ when her minions mimic her behavior. I was intentional with my words and didn’t cross any boundaries…but the topic was still surrounding a situation involving my niece. I’m not sure if my text made its way to my little sister’s awareness but when I text her earlier telling her I’ll be dropping off some things for my niece tomorrow…I never got a response.

This is the ongoing validation I keep getting that tells me it doesn’t matter how tempered my reactions are…because their intention is to have me remain reactionless. So I don’t want to react anymore. I honestly have no idea how to train my brain not to react to triggers meant to incite a reaction out of me but issuing two apologies in one week, for responding to actions meant to trigger a reaction, is insane. The possibility of missing another milestone is good motivation but this sh*t is getting crazy.

Love,

Choosy