WrestleMania

These thoughts were triggered by being f*ckin for real…

I used to be obsessed with my step sister. We met when I was 11 and she became the big sister I never had. Back then I looked at her like she could do no wrong and the fact that she was ‘popular’ added to my desire to be just like her. We became really close over the years and I think my ability to easily morph into the personality type of whoever I’m around is what created the sealant for our bond. I did whatever she did…to a certain extent. And one thing she used to love doing was watching WWE. So…I pretended to start loving it too. At first it wasn’t hard to watch because I was under the impression that it was real. But one day…I figured out it wasn’t. After that I couldn’t pretend to like it anymore so I’d find something else to do when it came on. The same thing happened when I found out that most reality tv is scripted. If I’m drawn to something that I feel is authentic…and then find out it isn’t…it’s a no for me. This is what I’m now starting to feel about my ‘disease’. For the longest I’ve been judging my reactions to my environment from the lens of my disorder because in the back of my mind I still can’t decide if this is what’s guiding my behavior. But the fact that I still haven’t had a manic attack that’s disproportionate to the trigger being presented makes this look like my mania is really just my reaction to ‘Hateful Hoe Harassment’…(Triple H…hehehe).

When I look back over the years at my reactions to triggering situations…I don’t think I act any differently than anyone else would. I may have an issue keeping my opinions to myself but I’m not violent, I pose no threat to myself or others, and I remain self-aware. None of my behavior over the years suggests that I actually have this disorder, especially since my highs and lows have always been a direct result of my environment. Looking back through the group chats exposes this truth because all of my lows have resulted from the intentional actions of my ‘family’. When this first started I didn’t have a grasp on what was actually happening though, so my anger would get the best of me and I would use my words to hurt them. I would incessantly text them whenever I was really agitated but that has always been the extent of my ‘mania’. And the fact that all the words I used to “hurt” them were always their truth…makes me even more skeptical of whether my actions are a result of my ‘mania’ or the result of being purposefully antagonized.

There is currently another trigger taking place behind the scenes with my bloodline that I won’t go in detail about but the fact that it took place right after I kept my composure, somewhat, with the camera situations in my building is sparking the debate amongst the voices in my head on if I’m really crazy…or if all these situations are being staged in order to get me to wrestle with the subsequent ‘mania’ that follows. It’s literally one thing after another and all of it has the potential to make me lash out in a way that can be perceived as ‘manic’ to those who have been conditioned to excuse away logical reactions from those who have been ‘diagnosed’. But the reality is that even though I haven’t been seen by a therapist in over 10 years…I’ve maintained the same employment for almost 7 years, I’m balanced enough to be self-sufficient, I keep all my obligations, and my ‘mania’ doesn’t show up unless it’s provoked. And judging from what I’ve been continuously experiencing over the last two decades…this provocation is purposefully being done. I’m not not a conspiracy theorist…which is why I can’t shake the feeling that this really is ‘a script that my family wrote up…to come to me with the bull sh*t.’

Love,

Choosy