Loner
These thoughts were triggered by my compulsion to be vulnerable…
Acceptance for what I can’t change is still slowly working its way through my psyche. This is one of the lessons I can’t seem to stop repeating and it never feels any easier to comprehend. I feel like my inability to grasp the concept of accepting what I can’t change comes from the fact that I don’t understand why I have to. My past has conditioned my mind to blindly follow the belief that all things can be changed…because that is what I base my hope off of. But ‘operation spyware’ is reminding me that some things will always be the same. I can say that I’m handling my neighbor’s second refusal to reposition her camera a lot better than I handled it the first time though. The first time I couldn’t even look in the direction of the lens without the fear of my fear running through my energy…now I look directly at it every time I walk to my unit and wave my middle finger. Mature? No. Petty enough to get my point across without getting me put out? Mmhmm.
Earlier I started asking myself why being watched, specifically around my living space, bothers me so much…outside of feeling like I’m being gang stalked. After I kicked my ego out the conversation…I was able to acknowledge that my fear comes from the shame I feel. I have no friends, I barely have family, and I have no significant other. I’m in my apartment more than I’m outside of it and according to society…this is socially unacceptable. But I’ve been this way since I was in college. The times since then that I’ve tried being ‘normal’, I end up emotionally embarrassed or emotionally exhausted. So I cut my losses a while ago and decided to be the version of me I’ve evolved into…a homebody. The introvert in me loves everything about staying to myself. I don’t have to fill any awkward silences, I don’t have to pretend to like people I don’t, I don’t have to engage in small talk, and I don’t have to stress sweat. That is Heaven to me. The extroverted tendencies that come with my zodiac sign wishes things could be different and hopes that one day I’ll have my ‘for the streets’ phase.
I’m a loner though. And I’ve gotten so far into my fear of socializing that I doubt I’ll ever try to put myself out there like I used to. I stopped trying to build friendships in my 20s and the ‘friends’ I had growing up…that my ‘family’ conveniently keeps running into and sharing my phone number with..have all been discarded. My anxiety is the biggest reason for my decision and this has left me in my home…alone…every night of the week. Having a camera outside of my door…tracking my lack of movement…forces me to come to terms with the fact that someone else sees that this is how I’m existing in the world. And because I know my behavior is not ‘normal’…it brings me a sense of shame. It’s one thing for me to know that I have no life…but it’s different when I feel like that truth is brought to someone else’s attention. It’s a reminder that I’m pretty much a prisoner of the war going on inside my mind and I haven’t been able to figure out how to change my circumstances. What’s crazy is the fact that I’m perfectly fine when no one knows I’m not really living…but having someone peek into my lack of life, forces me to acknowledge that I’m wasting it. And I don’t know how to accept the fact that this may never change.
Love,
Choosy
