UsedGoods

These thoughts were triggered by the appreciation I have for recurring lessons…

I got a text back. And before I’m accused of being the dramatic, worst case scenario’ing, over thinker…that I am…the text back was only sent because my little sister stood to benefit from it. She agreed to allow me to drop the stuff off to my niece but the next sentence asked whether I’m still going to assist in doing something that will make her life easier. So logic tells me that if she didn’t need me…I would’ve been ignored until she found use for me. In situations like these…I welcome my good being used though because it’s my ‘in’. I said a while ago that the only reason I’m allowed to have the relationship I still have with this niece is because her mother benefits from it. Which is why my brother didn’t hesitate to cut my communication with his children off. He’s in another state and has no way of benefiting from my relationship with his seeds. It is what it is. I can pretend to be offended and play into my victim mentality…but the truth is…I’ve used a lot of people for my own benefit throughout my adult years and…I don’t really feel like being a hypocrite today.

My personality type has always given…natural giver. I have an innate ability to sense when someone needs something and being the one to give that to them makes me happy. ‘Back in my day’…I had the privilege of meeting a few people with the same kind of personality type but instead of having interactions filled with the reciprocity that should’ve been present…I conveniently forgot that I also knew how to be a giver. It wasn’t until I started dating ‘takers’ that I felt how I made the people I took from feel. Unfortunately, that’s usually how it has to happen with emotionally toxic people. Our duality allows us to be both takers and givers…but we give to those who don’t deserve it and take from those we should be giving to. I never put together the puzzle pieces of why I kept attracting takers, after I made a conscious decision not to display that behavior anymore though. But today I realized this is kind of like an ‘each one teach one’ type situation.

The people I took from were being given the lesson, through me, to stop over giving but their nature got the best of them. I was being given the opportunity, through them, to do right by those who were doing right by me but my selfishness got the best of me. We were basically each other’s teachers. The situation with my little sister is no different. She’s at the same age I was when I saw nothing wrong with allowing others to bend over backwards to make sure I was comfortable. The common denominator between us is the example our ‘mother’ set so…she got it honest. I’m the one, at an older age, still being given the same lesson I clearly didn’t learn from the ‘takers’ I used to entertain…which is my need for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. My little sister is being given the lesson of doing for herself what she can…instead of pretending she needs me to do it for her. The conversation we had today set the tone for the curriculum that God is currently curating.

I detailed what I won’t do and she detailed what she will. The conversation had the ability to go left and almost did because I assumed she was going to fall back into her old pattern. Biting my tongue was beneficial because if I had said what I was thinking…I would’ve ended up being very loud and very wrong. And, I would’ve put her back on the defense because my approach has been known to be extremely offensive at times. I’ll have to wait and see whether this new dynamic will stay in place but honestly speaking…bending over backwards again for my niece’s comfort wouldn’t bother me. But I know doing so is what sets the stage of entitlement for my little sister so these boundaries benefit both of us…which ultimately benefits my niece. Ngl…my hidden motive is for this to be successful so I can rub it in my ‘mother’s’ face. She’s the one that fostered all this division so…idc, idc, idc…’I told you’ is on the tip of my tongue.

Love,

Choosy