Shifted

These thoughts were triggered by another attempt to permanently shift my perspective…

If anyone is wondering…no the blinds in Inspector Gadget’s apartment have not been closed…at all…since they ‘moved in’. I’ve experienced a lot of weird things in my life up until this point, but I honestly think the phantom apartment is the weirdest. I’ve tried to come up with reasons for why someone would move into an apartment and leave their blinds completely open all day/night and as of this moment…none of my reasons make any damn sense. I tried saying that they must not have their electricity turned on but that was ruled out by their doorbell duo. I tried saying the blinds stay open so they can charge their apartment-friendly solar panels in order to save on their light bill but I still haven’t seen any lights on inside the unit any of the times I’ve passed by the windows at night. I tried saying that this person is probably as paranoid as I am but I still have no proof that anyone even lives there. So weird is what I’m left with.

I’ve done a whole lot of praying since the unproductive emails that took place between me and the passive aggressive leasing office personnel. We all know my emotions were all over the place when this first happened but the last week has been filled with a level of ‘unbotheredness’ that I’m slightly intrigued by. I stopped parking across the parking lot and went back to the space I’ve consistently been parking in because that walk was too much. My normal spot is right by my entrance and directly beneath ‘Mr. Wilson’s’ vantage point, which feels creepy since I can’t see in the window when it’s daylight, but I don’t feel like doing the extra exercise anymore. Something deep inside me knows that all my fear is a result of how I’m choosing to view this situation, and right now I don’t feel like holding a perspective that gives me more reasons to be fearful. Especially not in a situation that seems to be set up for the sole purpose of feeding on my fear. I honestly feel like I woke up fresh out of f*ks to give because now when I leave out my car…I look directly into the open blinds and smile. I have no idea if I’m being watched but if I am…the least I could do is give them something pretty to look at…as opposed to the resting b*tch face I’m used to wearing.

There was a night that I broke down in fear while talking to my ‘Dad’, detailing the frustration that’s coming from feeling like I’m living in a fishbowl. After this talk, the phrase “There is nothing more powerful than God” kept replaying in my mind. When I took a breath…fostered by the air God created…I reinforced this fact. When I got up to walk…using limbs perfectly crafted to get the job done…I reinforced this fact. When I went to speak…using words that appear out of thin air…I reinforced this fact. When I opened my eyelids and saw my environment…using the squishy camera lenses that no human could create…I reinforced this fact. Etc…etc…etc. God reminded me, once again, that everything starts and stops with Him. I keep allowing my fear for what a human could do to me to scare me out of the knowing that I can’t be touched if God doesn’t allow it. So at the end of the day…if I can’t use my faith to overshadow my fear…”what is it good for?…Absolutely nothing…Good God…You Awl”.

Love,

Choosy