ProblemChild

CAUTION: Socially unacceptable sentences written below.

These thoughts were triggered by the lack of respect I still have for my ‘mother’…

I’ve called my ‘mother’ out her name a handful of times since I started the group chats and the majority of those times took place within the last few days. According to the unwritten laws of the society I was born into…disrespecting a parent is the worst thing a person can do. But to me…’parent’ is just a title reserved for those who choose to give birth…not a determining factor of whether the child forced into the world by that choice…is obligated to offer their respect. I know the words I’ve written throughout this blog about my ‘mother’ have probably bunched up a lot of ‘pannies’…but such is life. I’ve gone back and forth about whether I should sugarcoat my true character, in regards to my ‘womber’, in order to be more palatable to those who may stumble across this blog…but why be fake? I don’t like or respect my ‘mother’ and at this point nothing will change that. I understand many have been raised to ignore toxic traits of the people who spent years raising them…but I still can’t understand why everyone is still acting like the decision to spend years raising someone wasn’t a definitive decision made by the person who decided to have that someone? Being a parent is a CHOICE…that children are tricked into treating like a favor. I’m still not a fan..

I won’t lie and pretend this post isn’t the result of the guilt I feel for calling my ‘mother’ a hoe in the last few messages I sent to the group chat though. I do have a conscience. But the ripple effect from her brand of parenting is once again disturbing my Zen in real time. It would be a lot easier to move on, respectfully, with my life if I wasn’t constantly being drawn back into familial dysfunction by way of my little sister. But there’s some tongue tussling going on behind the scenes right now and my ‘mother’ is still silently placing the onus to help finish raise the child she decided to have, on my twin and I. It’s one thing to place these expectations on my twin because she’s supposed to be the mentally stable one. But continuing to ask the child she claims is so ‘bipolar’ to play her position is just as disrespectful as my colorful word choice…IMO. I don’t know how someone else would handle having a mother who would rather put a mental disorder on them than take accountability for their own mental dis-ease. My way of coping is by expressing how I truly feel about how I see her. And sometimes I throw in overt disrespect.

A nail tech I used to go to for years told me a while ago that in her culture there are certain indicators that let her people know what kind of person someone is. I have permanent paintings on my arms and that was one of the indicators of a “problem child” to them. She said people who have tattoos are considered “rebellious” in her culture and it’s a form of disrespect to the elders. I was more annoyed than offended at the fact that just because one person believed something to be true…it became a mandated truth for the whole entire culture. And that belief prevents others from their right to self-expression. I can’t pretend the shoe doesn’t fit though because I am what she described. But what this belief, and the expectation of blind respect for these purposeful parents, says to me is that no individual is allowed to go against the ideals of the group without the consequence of being shamed. So what’s the point of being born an individual if we’re just going to be raised to follow the culture?

Everyone is expected to choose to give their choice…away to individuals who used their choice…to force lives into this world…for the sole purpose of controlling the choices these lives make. Which is why I feel I have no choice but to choose to do and say whatever tf I want…to the woman who chose to bring me into the world…just to turn her back on me when I didn’t fall in line with who she wanted me to be…to her. She wouldn’t hear from me if I wasn’t still being inconvenienced for her comfort. But her inability to sway from her obsession with controlling my choices is what now has me once again playing the role of ‘mother’…that my ‘mother’ wants everyone to believe is just the role of a ‘big sister’. And our culture supports the reversal of roles because parents are still above reproach. Blind respect is dangerous.

Love,

Choosy