SchoolDazed
WARNING: ‘MANIC EPISODE’ BELOW…giving it this label to avoid acknowledging the fact that I failed to control myself again.
These thoughts were triggered by my never ending ‘familial’ drama…
School is back in session and guess who’s playing chauffeur? I won’t waste time answering a question we all know the answer to…it’s been a long day. Last school year…my Uber hours started mid afternoon for pick up but today I had the pleasure of waking up at 4am, so I could do my pre-work work…shower…play dress up…in order to drive across town to my niece…so I could drive to the other side of town for drop off to her school. How did I get promoted to deliverer? My ‘mother’(who assumed this role last school year) was a no show, my twin decided to chastise my little sister for dropping the ball again instead of offering to drive her child, my little sister claimed she didn’t have money for an actual Uber, and my niece’s school doesn’t offer bus rides. What a wonderful family. I woke up annoyed because I’ve never gotten up that early for anything ever in life. Ngl…I grossly overestimated how early I needed to wake up. I didn’t know what traffic was going to be like and I hate being late so I assumed the worst. When I got home I still had an hour before I had to start my work work so I just went back to sleep.
On my way to get my niece…I had the sudden urge to disrupt the peace of everyone in the group chat. (SSs below) I had no expectation of anyone responding back to me…I just wanted to be toxic. My twin must have felt a way about me speaking on overextending myself though because she came in and gave her o’minion…as usual. The more she wrote, the more apparent it was that she still refuses to stop her one-sided competition with me…even though she reminds me of my ‘diagnosis’ every chance she gets. Competing with someone you claim to have the psychological advantage over is wild. Either way, she chimed in and offered her pennies. I don’t really have an issue with her ego trips though…but I hate the fact that she downs other people, while refusing to follow her words up with any insight on how they can change their situation. She was letting my little sister live with her, so I’ll give her that. And the frustration she feels for my little sister dropping the ball is valid…but the fact that we keep bandaging up the same bullet wounds is what kept me from letting her think she had a point. Because to this day she refuses to acknowledge that our ‘mother’ is the one who shot us.
After our toxic tennis match…I had to stop work to go back across town to pick my niece back up. Which reignited my compulsion to vomit volatility in the chat. So I wrote out my observations about the similarities I see between my ‘mom’ and my twin. The back and forth started again and my twin ended up calling me an ‘unchosen bum’. I didn’t catch it in the moment but after rereading the texts…my confusion is confusing me. I just sent a text to the chat, asking her to explain what she meant by this term but I doubt my question will be answered. I don’t know how she expects to beat the spell work allegations when she continues to let these keywords, that she claims not to know the meaning of, slip out when I pluck at straws from her broom. What’s worse than her word choice is the fact that I haven’t even looked at the software for my new ‘skill’ in almost a week. When I realized that this is starting to look like the beginning of the end for my new project…I told my little sister she has to figure out how to get her child to and from school. Yes, I know I tried and failed at demanding the same thing last year. After some brainstorming though…we came up with a plan for the rest of the week. No idea what will happen next week but at this point…my nerves won’t allow me to think that far out.
Love,
Choosy
*Clarification: My twin called me an “undisciplined bum” too because she doesn’t know I still haven’t given up on this project. Like I did the first two times I attempted to write it…BUT BECAME TOO EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED TO SEE IT THROUGH BECAUSE THEY KEPT TRIGGERING MY ‘MANIC EPISODES’. Today was another trigger attempt…just like the day before that…and the day before that…and the da…yea.
