BTS

These thoughts were triggered by remembering an explanation someone gave me about poker: ”The goal is to trick you into taking yourself out”…

I think I might be bipolar. I know this is a serious diagnosis and there are a lot of people who suffer from severe versions of this disease so my goal with this post isn’t to come off as insensitive but…I’m really starting to think I belong to this tribe. Before my ‘family’ started using my ‘diagnosis’ as a means to stop my attempts at having real conversations with them…I never claimed it. And the fact that I never heard anything about it…until I started telling them the truth…gave me even less reasons to believe I fit the description. I did, however, start using my ‘diagnosis’ to my advantage the last few years because honestly…it’s a really convenient excuse. I’ve ignored my manipulation tactics because I only use this excuse when I feel like I’m intentionally being f*cked with. The world we live in likes to pretend that ‘mental health matters’ so I thought owning my ‘mindcraft’ would make a difference. But judging from the indifference that comes from those I share my ‘disorder’ with…selling the idea of my mental imbalance is damn near impossible.

I spoke about the blinds of my new neighbors that have remained open, even at night, for the last three weeks. When I brought this to the attention of my passive aggressive ‘Community Manager’…I was told that “tenants have the right to use their blinds how they choose”. This was after the double doorbell debacle. The unit is directly above where I’ve been parking my car for years…which added to my anxiety so I started parking on the opposite side of the parking lot. And the seed of always feeling like…somebodies watching me…was (re)planted. The stress from the belief that I’m under surveillance was compounded by my other neighbor’s second refusal to reposition her camera even though the view of her door won’t change. The leasing office stopped responding to my ‘Karening’ about this a few days ago which is putting me right back in the state of voicelessness that my ‘family’ has consistently had me in for the last four years. That…on top of the fact that I’ve still been going through it in the group chat…has had my head spinning for the last couple weeks.

This is the part where I say out loud…things that the voices in my head tell me to keep quiet.

I spoke about my exhaustion a few posts ago but today I realized that my cycle is almost a week late. Which hasn’t happened in 7 years and this time…pregnancy is not a possibility. The headaches I’ve been having have increased and as much as I’d like to keep pretending Yoga is exercising all of my issues away…it’s not. I’ve just been telling myself that it is because when I squint really hard…my ability to block out everything around me is enhanced. But my body is screaming that something is wrong with me. My consistent inability to go to sleep before 1am and my obsessive emailing to the leasing office, even though I know my actions will lead to my lease not being renewed, is what’s making me wonder if I’m in the middle of a manic attack. But what solidified my belief is the fact that a simple text from my little sister, asking me to watch my niece for a little while today, led to a 30 minute sob session this morning. It took me 36 minutes to respond to a yes or no question and by the time I responded my eyes were bloodshot red from crying. The emotions felt like they came out of nowhere and that scared me enough to know that keeping my niece wasn’t an option. I don’t feel like myself and I don’t know how to pretend like I do right now.

Edit: A few more cry sessions, another headache and one hug later…and I finally sourced the reason I’m attracting more scenarios that leave me crying out for help while being overlooked and ignored. This goes back to the 15 year old version of me that was self-mutilating. That was the loudest cry I could have made at that age and my ‘diagnosis’ followed. But even after a licensed professional cosigned my need for help…my ‘mother’ still ignored it. This latest trigger came right after I made an investment into learning my new ‘skill’…which also seems to be an ongoing theme. It feels like every time I move to a new level of my purpose…I’m (re)triggered back into that helpless teenager and my energy is left feeling depleted. I feel like the real reason I keep being brought back to this place has everything to do with that poker explanation.

Love,

Choosy