“Insecure people go to extreme lengths to stop a conversation they aren’t ready to have and that usually involves fixating on flaws of the person who had the audacity not to talk to them nice. Flaws that were ignored when their ego wasn’t being bruised but magically become an issue when it is.”

If you were to do a survey on all my past ‘love’ connections, asking my exes whether they thought something was mentally off with me…I’m positive they’d all say they think I’m bat sh*t crazy. If you were to ask them if I emotionally abused them, the answer would be yes. If you were to ask if I emasculated them, they would probably suggest this word is an understatement. And if you were to tell them I was diagnosed as ‘bipolar’….my behavior in those relationships would probably make a lot more sense to them. But, I never told anyone from my past that I had this ‘diagnosis’ because I never bought into the concept of my illness.

In regards to this last trigger…I felt all the discomfort associated with my fears of being the cause of my niece missing her first day of class…before that fear actually materialized. That’s when I realized that these ‘women’ have no interest in making good on their threats. Their intention is just to get my energy to feel as if the threat will happen, because whatever I put effort into feeling…is what I will attract in my reality…eventually. (Law of Attraction) I unknowingly blocked their trigger attempt, by following a shopping instinct that allowed me to feel as if everything was going to work out. Which led to my reality reflecting back to me…everything working out.

I keep saying that these familial triggers happen the most around new and full moons. The new moon is this Thursday (6/6). I still have no clue what the significance of these time frames are. But tampering with someone’s energy, the way they do, suggests spell work…to the spiritually inclined. After seeing my text wasn’t delivered to my niece’s tablet, I went back to my twin and detailed my perception of the situation. She immediately started up her ‘gas guzzler’. I did my best not to hitch hike but…I caught that ride.

We would never see an African American being accepted in a Jamaican space of music…rapping in Patois. We would never see an African American being accepted in a Latin space…rapping in Spanish. And we would never see an African American going into an Indian space…rapping in Hindi. Why? Because outsiders aren’t a part of their culture…and everyone would point that out. But for whatever reason…outsiders become more successful when cosplaying our culture. That’s hella weird to me.

In my experience with being the giver, I realize that once I started using my tongue to return the self-doubt given to me…back to my abusers…their power disappeared. Not because my words left them powerless…but because they never had any power to begin with. Because people who emotionally prey on others are cowards…who convince those they prey on, that they’re more than what they are. So when I started ‘popping my sh*t’ and meeting emotional abuse with emotional abuse…the worth my abuser had seen in me from the beginning, started to reappear…in a way that finally made it visible to me.

At this point, reiterating their toxic tactics is becoming redundant. But I have the sneaky suspicion that there are more eyes on me right now. So…I’m repeating the fact that I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT THE FIRST TIME I SPEAK ON SOMEONE. My mind just automatically computes toxic behavioral patterns, even when I try not to see what I see. Those who have a hard time accepting that I’m able to pull their card, when no one else in their life has been able to do so, are the only ones who holler about my mental instability. Because this is what gaslighters do.

There’s an illusion of authentic self-expression in this world, and that drives me crazy. I’ve told my ‘family’ on a few different occasions that I’m putting our real reality on the internet. And I’m never met with encouragement for showing what’s actually behind our veil. That encouragement will never come, because everyone has been taught to be who they truly are behind closed doors…and who they aspire to be in public. Which makes sense why so many people are ‘fake’…because this is considered mentally stable behavior.

This text would’ve never been received if I hadn’t kept my composure in the group chat. Because in order for their gaslighting triggers to work…they need me to go ‘manic’. So that they have their ‘plausible deniability’ factor, that allows them to use the kids as pawns. And they also need to use my erratic behavior, as a distraction from their initial trigger…that led to my subsequent irrational behavior. This is the same loop they’ve caught me up in for years. And I’ve still fallen for it 98% of the time. Today I chose to use the sense God gave me…which prevented them from carrying out the fullness of their trigger.

I’ve wanted a Rottweiler for as long as I can remember. And my desire to buy one is growing stronger by the day. The first issue with this purchase is…it’s selfish to force a dog to make up for my inability to couple. Which means I’d have to get two, in order to make sure their emotional needs are also being met. Is this looney tune logic? Kindly back out of my business please. The second issue is…I live in a shoebox. Forcing two giants to live in a ‘tiny home’ is animal abuse. So I’m honestly considering moving in order to make this happen.

The girl who had already hunched, clearly had feelings for the guy. But she couldn’t openly admit that to her ‘friend’, because the guy had discarded her. The potential huncher kept saying she didn’t want to deal with a guy who had hunched on one of her ‘friends’…but still went out of her way to pursue her ‘friends’ leftovers. And neither could drop their emotional guards enough to tell the truth. So the emotionally intelligent section of the audience had to sit and watch in frustration, while they argued about everything but what they were really arguing about.

So earlier when I contemplated whether this is as good as it gets…I just went numb with the thought that it is. I was driving while having this talk with myself and my numbness forced everything around me to disappear. I only saw what was in front of me and I lost my ability to perceive my environment. There was a certain level of ‘manufactured’ peace in that space, but it came at the expense of feeling like I wasn’t a part of this world. I haven’t decided whether this is a good or bad thing. But this version of peace will get me through tonight, so I’m not in a rush to figure that out.

With that chuckle, I unknowingly revealed two things about myself. That I was jealous…and that I was a passive aggressive follower. I allowed my jealousy to have me participate in an attempt to lower another woman’s self-esteem. Because my self-esteem was taking a hit by the fact that my boyfriend seemed to like this girl more than me. I was bothered. And I displayed it passively because this is what mean girls do.

And in this moment, I see another theory for the silence of all the single mothers in the chat. They see no issue with us taking on this responsibility for our sibling, because most accountability avoidant black parents truly believe it’s ok…to have one of their childless children…assume responsibilities that belong to parents. With no benefit being received by anyone…but the parents.This mentally unstable belief is considered normal in our community. And they wonder why so many of their adult kids are okay passing their parental responsibilities off onto someone else (grandparents, government, siblings, etc). It’s a cycle they birthed within the confines of their own broken homes.

Trusting God has always come easy to me…in the times that I didn’t really need to trust Him. But during the times where I need to fully rely on Him…I usually start out like a squirrel who has just realized it is trapped in an enclosed space. My thoughts suggest I’m more panicked than trusting. And the distrustful part of my heart, that I think I’m hiding those thoughts in, is fully visible to My Father. So instead of showing up as a hypocrite to Him during another moon cycle…I’m going to trust that He has the final say in this situation. That belief is true whether I believe it or not. But believing it makes my life a lot easier.

The triggers leading up to my meltdown is what I consider ‘spell work’. Because these familial spirits set up trauma traps that have the ability to alter a person’s perception. When called out, they gaslight (cast illusions) which leads one to believe what they’re seeing is only in their mind (magic). And this can lead to an insane amount of stress. If consistently done, over time, this stress can lead to mental illness, cancer, heart attacks, ‘sudden’ death, etc…if a person doesn’t know how to transmute the energy. I think this is what happened to my biological father, but no one from that side of the family will tell us how he died.

If I was given the privilege of having my own ‘mother’ acknowledge me, I would ask her what the purpose of birthing a child was, if she was just going to abandon the emotional responsibilities that come with the job title. That abandonment made me feel like it was my job to pacify her ego, by reinforcing the fact that she did the “best she could”. But if the “best you could” caused emotional trauma, in the kids you mandated into this existence…you failed at a job you chose.

And in my opinion…his diagnosis of colon cancer was a direct result of his refusal to let go of that trauma. I say this because the colon is what transmutes the things we ingest into our bodies. It absorbs what is needed and creates the avenue for removal of what serves no purpose. Spiritually speaking…my BD ingested emotional abuse from his father, that he never transmuted. He wasn’t taught how to alchemize his negative emotions in a positive way. So he coped by engaging in behavior that only made his diagnosis worse. His energy became infected by his inability to create a channel for emotional release. And his body followed his mind.

The acceptance is when the thoughts still come through, but I remain present enough to accept them for what they are. While intentionally redirecting my mind to focus on what serves my mental state the most. A thought that keeps coming up when I spot an intrusive one is: “It’ll be here when you finish”. That’s my way of reminding myself that I’ll still be able to engage thoughts trying to get my attention…but it’ll just have to be done in a way that encourages me to set boundaries with myself.

Because it spoke to the socially acceptable ‘separationist’ behavior, I see being displayed all throughout social media. This accountability imbalance is contributing to these young men begging to be with anyone who does not remind them of their mothers/sisters. For a while, black women were escaping our punishments for refusing to be held accountable…until our men started preferring other races/cultures. And now…the great divide has deepened…with the increase of ‘relationship advice’ podcasts. Advice that’s being championed by ‘the blind and the bitter’. So everyone is losing.