TemperedTone
These thoughts were triggered by my frustration with having to pretend I’m not me…
Over the last week I’ve been getting an intense pull towards leaning more into the socially unacceptable side of my personality. I feel like this is my mind’s attempt at rebelling against who this world subliminally suggests I should be and before I ‘jump off the porch’…I need to sort through these emotions. I do my best not to tip off the authorities by posting some of my more unhinged thoughts because I realize that at any point in this process…my anonymity can disappear. So I don’t want to say something I can’t come back from. And that in itself triggers me into a blind rage because there are so many things I’m not able to say solely based on how it will make someone else feel about my mental state. There seems to be a mentally stable rulebook that governs the thoughts/behaviors of most people in this world and my copy was clearly written in a language that I’m not fluent in. Figuring out how to navigate this one size fits most existence by relying on my ability to mimic the rulebook followers makes me feel like my mind belongs to someone else. But speaking my unedited truth makes others feel like I belong in a mental institution. Tip toeing my way around wearing an actual strait jacket…when my inability to fully express myself makes my psyche feel like it’s cloaked with an invisible one is wild work.
We literally live in a world that encourages people to be more like someone else in order to fit in. From the way we dress, to the way we talk, to the way we perceive life, etc etc etc. And these standards change every two days. So when I shed all traces of my ego and express my authentic thoughts to people…my authenticity usually triggers discomfort in those who aren’t ready to hear me because my thoughts don’t ‘look the part’. But when I suppress who I am and implode…my mental breakdowns trigger judgement for why I didn’t ‘talk to someone’ in many of those same people. This is a lose/lose for people like me. There is an illusion of authentic self-expression in this world and that drives me crazy. I’ve told my ‘family’ on a few different occasions that I’m putting our real reality on the internet and I’m never met with encouragement for showing what’s actually behind our veil. That encouragement will never come because everyone has been taught to be who they truly are behind closed doors…and who they aspire to be in public. Which makes sense why so many people are ‘fake’ because this is considered mentally stable behavior.
In the short amount of time that I’ve been writing this blog I’ve probably spoken from the problematic perspective of 2 or 3 different versions of myself. The unwritten rulebook will probably confuse my authentic self-expression with me having split personalities but common sense suggests that everyone has multiple aspects of themselves. My issue is…I tell uncomfortable truths no matter what version I speak from. The only form of conformity, that should be enforced by this societal rulebook, is whether I’m operating as the most healed version of myself while allowing the different voices in my head to have their time in the spotlight. But silencing any of these voices to appease the comfort of others should never be an option because that subconsciously tells me my voice doesn’t matter…which leads to urges of porch jumping. Learning how to temper all my tones, by always speaking from the healed version of myself, seems like a better alternative because it still gives me the freedom to say whatever tf I want. This works for me.
Love,
Choosy
