Clowns

Caution: “Another one”.

These thoughts were triggered by my continued inability to call a spade a frog…

Lately I’ve been having second thoughts about ‘exposing’ the conversations that take place within my ‘family’ on this blog. I feel like the behavior being displayed in these conversations is just a result of lingering unhealed trauma and I know it would level out if we made a conscious decision to heal as a unit. I have no issue displaying my lunacy because my ‘mother’ has given me the perfect out. I’m ‘bipolar’. Which means I reserve the right to shift blame for my inability to keep ‘family’ business private if I choose to. I can honestly say that I’m more in control of my actions than not…but it feels good to have a legitimate excuse for my toxicity if I ever need it. My family on the other hand claims to be poster children for mental stability. To the point that they spent the last few years demanding I get on some form of medication or seek out help from a licensed professional in order to stop the conversation I‘ve been trying to have about healing our generational curses. Only for them to turn around and prove through their behavior that they are repeating the same toxic traditions that they keep telling me to stop talking about. They hate that I’m right so they call me ‘crazy’ and I’ve been conflicted on whether or not to continue displaying this mid ‘gas’…lighting.

At this point, reiterating their toxic tactics is becoming redundant but I have the sneaky suspicion that there are more eyes on me right now…so I’m repeating the fact that I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT THE FIRST TIME I SPEAK ON SOMEONE…because my mind automatically computes toxic behavioral patterns even when I try not to see what I see. Those who have a hard time accepting that I’m able to pull their card, when no one else in their life has been able to do so, are the only ones who holler about my mental instability. Because this is what gaslighters do. I was unfortunate enough to have my little sister ‘gas me up’ today and after reflecting on whether or not I should feel guilty for exposing behavior that relies on my silence to thrive…I’m choosing to run my mouth…again. (SS below) I will do my part in taking accountability for why she may have felt the need to trigger me today…after I watched her child and sent her home with a hot meal free of charge. The reason: I didn’t congratulate her earlier today when she told me she got a job. I’ve always been a person that others come to get positive reinforcement from because I’m really good at giving it. I’m also the person people stay away from when they don’t want to hear a truth they aren’t ready for. Today, she needed the former and I didn’t give it because her past behavior suggests she’d get complacent if I did. Her feelings were hurt so she tried to trigger me.

I didn’t include the whole text conversation below because 90% of it would have been redacted due to the subject sensitivity but the synopsis is that she thought I sent a message with personal information about her and my niece to the bigger chat yesterday. She broke her phone so she no longer sees any of the chats. I didn’t want to send the texts, referenced in the screenshot, to my niece’s tablet because she knows how to read now so I told my twin to relay the message to our little sister. My first response to this ungrateful child of lucifer was “K” because I was in a good mood and didn’t feel like the back and forth…until I realized she really has the power to do what she threatened. So I was left with no choice but to send the screenshots to my niece’s device showing I had initially sent the texts to the Sanderson sister chat…not the Gang Goofy one like I knew she was assuming. I then proceeded to send her clown emoji’s, instead of using my words, after she refused to humble herself and apologize for once again using her child as a means to trigger me…for speaking on a generational curse she wasn’t ready to address…concerning her child. Triggering me is their only way to get me to two step to their ‘Stupid Shuffle’ and I can not.

If I had sent the texts to the bigger chat it still wouldn’t have made sense for her to cut access to the only one of my siblings’ kids that I’m still allowed to talk to because my behavior would have fallen right in line with the crazed lunatic they’ve been claiming I am. And if my crazed behavior was really the reason for the communication cut off, it wouldn’t make sense for her to allow me to watch her child for 3 hours and send that text threat to me after I dropped her child off. Because the texts in question were sent yesterday. This is the cycle though. They search for any reason to justify their toxicity and I’ve been made to deal with it…on top of dealing with a disorder they claim I am losing my mind to. Pretending I’m crazy is easier than admitting I keep catching them up. But because gaslighters don’t know how to do anything but gaslight…she ‘put her lips together’ after she realized the proof of what I‘ve been claiming they all have been doing was right in front of her. I could have manic’d out…but that would have taken the attention away from the real clown in this circus. So…I sent her pictures of herself until she stopped responding.

Love,

Choosy