AndAgain

Warning: Long post.

These thoughts were triggered by my family’s inability to stop triggering me…

“The girls are fightinggggg”…with themselves. I knew a whole week of peace was an unattainable goal but I still had hope so I avoided speaking about the ‘faux familials’ until I was proven wrong. Wrong I am. I wrote yesterday about school now being out and spoke about my interaction with my niece decreasing significantly. That was an understatement. I was blocked by my little sister the day after school let out and I didn’t talk to my niece until yesterday. There was a location change after my twin volunteered to house my niece and my niece’s mother for a while. The move was set to take place at the end of last week but when I text my twin to verify whether it had happened…I was told that my little sister wasn’t responding to her texts. So I took the opportunity to warn my little sister against ruining this opportunity for her child over something as simple as communication. My little sister replied right away telling me how great the communication is between her and my twin and before I could send my response…I was blocked. I’m honestly happy she blocked me though because the reply I typed out included words I regretted after I came out of my heightened state of annoyance.

We all block and unblock depending on the temperature outside because we are all still very grown children. So I knew I wasn’t going to be blocked for long. Yesterday I sent a text to my niece to see if it said delivered and it did. I knew it was my little sister texting as my niece because that is what she does so I asked my ‘niece’ if she would ask her ‘mommy’ if we could go to our favorite play date spot today. She said yes. My intuition told me something was going to go wrong but I let it play out anyway. Last week I decided to break up with the group chat again so I was hoping today’s situation didn’t turn out the way I assumed it would because I wasn’t ready for such a quick reconciliation. Unfortunately…I found myself right back with the Gang Goofies after I found out my little sister had decided to run an errand the same time I told her I’d be picking my niece up. She had gotten mad after I didn’t ‘yes massah’ her earlier today after she asked me to do her a favor and blocked communication…again.

I only found out they weren’t at the house after texting my twin. When she let me know they had left I felt my mania tap me on the shoulder. I talked to myself in the mirror for a few seconds so I could remember that this was just an opportunity to show my growth. I didn’t respond back to my twin because I didn’t know whether to assume she was in on the trigger or not. They usually move as a toxic team but I didn’t want to accuse her because I now need her as an ally since my niece is out of school. The possibility for them to use ‘CC’ as a manic trigger skyrockets when I have no reason to see her regularly so I can’t burn all my bridges like I’ve done in the past. Fortunately I’m in her good graces after calling in a financial favor that I wish I would have used for myself after all these months without gas money. But I was only a driver. She’s giving up her space to house them so I felt she deserved it more which put me back in her ‘circle of trust’…for now.

The last text I sent to the group chat was on Friday when I attempted to decouple because I finally realized that I have to stop interacting with them. At this point it’s uncomfortably obvious that everyone involved already knows the plays being run which means going back to the chat, screaming about what is happening to me is pointless. Even with that knowing…I still couldn’t stop myself from text vomiting today. (SS below) But I made sure I controlled my temperament while doing so this time. An irate reaction is what they want and expect so I stayed calm. Minutes after sending the group text…my little sister text me from a random number telling me they’d be back to the house soon. Surprise surprise.

This text would have never been received if I hadn’t kept my composure in the group chat because in order for their gaslighting triggers to work…they need me to go ‘manic’ so that they have their ‘plausible deniability’ factor that allows them to use the kids as pawns. And they also need to use my erratic behavior as a distraction from their initial trigger…that led to my subsequent irrational behavior. This is the same loop they have caught me up in for years and I have still fallen for it 98% of the time. Today I chose to use the sense God gave me which prevented them from carrying out the fullness of their trigger. I finished work, picked my niece up, had a playdate, and styled her hair…all while having enough peace to write this post. Bipolar or not…I’m getting better at this.

Love,

Choosy