Stuck

CAUTION: THIS POST IS EXTREMELY DEPRESSING.

These thoughts were triggered by my realization that I have to stay on Earth until I die…

There is no out. The existence I’m in will remain the same until I take my final breath and that thought has been agitating my soul all day. I almost didn’t write this post because I don’t feel like doing this blog anymore. There’s probably no one reading it anyways because I’m in the wrong decade…people watch blogs now. And truthfully speaking, in this moment, writing is doing nothing for the betterment of my mental health. I write about the same handful of experiences because those are the loops my reality seems to be stuck in. That knowing is what pushed me further in the direction of scrapping this ‘project’. But I always quit and months later I get the urge to start back up…only to bother my mind with questions of where I’d be if I hadn’t stopped. So I’m writing through my frustration, from an energetic place that probably isn’t beneficial to anyone. I’m still choosing to post this because I need to give myself the illusion of hope that someone is reading/relating to my words because if I don’t…I’ll lose the last piece of willpower that I’m holding onto right now.

I said all that to say…I hate it here. And today I had the pleasure of being reminded why ‘hate’ is an appropriate word choice. These reminders involved ongoing familial and personal issues that don’t seem to improve no matter how much effort I put in. So my hatred for this world is essentially rooted in the fact that I feel like death will be my only escape. I have no intention of fast forwarding my ending…so I’m stuck here until that day comes. I have done my best to find my gratitude when I get in moods like this but earlier today I asked myself a question that left me paralyzed in hopelessness. “What if it doesn’t get any better than this?” was the question and based on the last 10 years…the likelihood of that being a true statement is greater than it being false. Because despite my best efforts…nothing in my life is changing. I hear a lot of people say that we create our own circumstances and I believe that to be true. Which is what made me deep dive even further into this depression because that means I’m the reason I’m stuck. And I have no idea what thoughts I need to think or what actions I need to take or what prayers I need to pray in order to change that.

Over the last 8 years, I’ve consistently told myself “next year will be different”. But next year comes and the only difference is my age. I have absolutely no idea how to approach this life in a way that benefits me…to this day. It would probably help if I stopped expecting for things to change and found peace where I currently am…right? Unfortunately, the reality is any peace I find will have to be manufactured because it won’t be organic. That’s because I live in a constant state of anxiety and peace can not exist in a space like this. And my anxiety is so well developed that even when I think I’m transmuting it…I’m actually just creating another portal for it to reappear in my psyche. So earlier when I contemplated whether this is as good as it gets…I just went numb with the thought that it is. I was driving while having this talk with myself and my numbness forced everything around me to disappear. I only saw what was in front of me and I lost my ability to perceive my environment. There was a certain level of ‘manufactured’ peace in that space but it came at the expense of feeling like I was a part of this world. I haven’t decided whether this is a good or bad thing but this version of peace will get me through tonight so I’m not in a rush to figure that out.

Love,

Choosy