“Go”

These thoughts were triggered by mania…

This past week was a complete sh*t show. I went back and forth about whether I would publicly judge myself like I do others and I was given my answer while driving to my favorite nature trail this morning. In my ‘Dis-Ease’ post, I spoke about wanting to speak on spell work but said I would wait until God said “Go”. While talking to myself about this past week’s spell work, I ended up behind a car that had that word on the back of it (Pic below). God speaks to me through signs…so here we are. The fact that I even had the energy to get up, late, and keep my workout routine speaks more to God’s grace than anything else because last night I went to sleep feeling like a shell of myself. I literally held myself up by leaning against my shower wall while bathing and sobbing uncontrollably after I got home. My ’family’ spent all week triggering me and towards the end of the week…I did my ‘manic’n’ challenge. I used my tongue as a blade and released all the energy I’ve been allowing to build up in my effort of trying to be the bigger person. I hesitated on whether to show this side of myself to the blog but it’s necessary for y’all to see what my family refers to as my “manic episodes”.

The triggers leading up to my meltdown is what I consider ‘spell work’ because these familial spirits set up trauma traps that have the ability to alter a person’s perception. When called out, they gaslight (cast illusions) which leads one to believe what they are seeing is only in their mind (magic)…and this can lead to an insane amount of stress. If consistently done, over time, this stress can lead to mental illness, cancer, heart attacks, ‘sudden’ death, etc if a person doesn’t know how to transmute the energy. I think this is what happened to my biological father but no one from that side of the family will tell us how he died. In the screenshots below I included texts sent to that side of the family where I make reference to possibly opening an investigation. But I have no idea who I would open an investigation with because when they did their last big trigger attempt around the time my BD died…I called the police to try to make a police report. After they found out I was ‘bipolar’ they told me to just stay away from my ‘family’. I tried that but they still used my niece to trigger me and when the school year started I was backed into the corner of 'chauffeur’. I honestly don’t know what else to do at this point because they keep finding new ways to trigger me without it being obvious to onlookers that this is what they are doing.

This week’s noteworthy familial triggers started on Wednesday. (SS’s below). When I dropped my niece off, my little sister and her boyfriend were walking out towards the parking lot. In a normal family…this would be nothing to think twice about. But in my ‘family’, this is one of the ways my sister has been successful at triggering me in the past. She has this thing where she magically disappears after I tell her I’m on my way to drop her child to her. So when I get there…I’m forced to sit and wait until she comes back. We have argued over this so many times and this would have been another argument if I hadn’t followed my gut when my niece asked me to stop to get her Boba at the store next to where we got dinner. I told her no and took her home. When I saw my little sister she tried to play it off but she was wearing her purse, they all turned around and walked back into their living space when my niece got out the car, and there was no way she could’ve known I’d be pulling up at that exact moment. I drove off happy I didn’t have to play her gaslighting games and all was well until my twin picked up the torch later that night.

That night, my twin sent a text in the group chat asking if I had heard about my nieces awards ceremony that was taking place the next morning. She texted me after 10 pm and the ceremony was at 9am. My little sister hadn’t told me anything about this and I slowly started to feel my blood boiling because I don’t have the kind of job that allows me to take off. I haven’t missed a day of work in the 5 years that I have worked for this company because there is no PTO. I don’t take vacations and I don’t have sick days. But I have been fine with this because my weekends are somewhat free. If I have an appointment, I just push some of my work to other days in order to free up time but I have to know well in advance in order to be able to make it work. So finding out at the last minute made it impossible for me to attend. When all the toxicity sunk in…my ability to remain sensical in a horde of nonsensical bitters became non-existent. I went on a two day ‘manic’ text spree and I feel like I’ve been set back three years. I haven’t allowed myself to display such a low level of self control in a long time and I walked away with another empty win for my ego. I couldn’t contain my crazy and I’m annoyed because I know this is what they wanted.

Love,

Choosy

*Clarification:

-No one in my family does crack. But their behavior suggests that they do.

-I don’t know how many sexual partners my twin has had…it just feels good to call her a ‘garden tool’ because we know our numbers aren’t balanced.