ThinyrdSkinyrd
DISCLAIMER: THIS MAY OR MAY NOT BE CONSIDERED A PROJECTION POST…BUT QUITE FRANKLY MY DEAR I DON’T…SPEAK ON BEHAVIOR THAT EXPERIENCE HASN’T MADE ME FAMILIAR WITH.
These thoughts were triggered by remembering the origin story author of my anxiety…
My insecurity and I used to “go together…real bad”. Some people have the privilege of entering adulthood with their confidence somewhat developed because they grew up in emotionally balanced households. I, on the other hand, grew up with an insecure ‘mother’. So all she could impart in me was how to be more insecure than she was in order to satisfy the overdeveloped ego within her that required her to feed off the confidence of others. She accomplished this by using many tactics but today I want to focus on her intention. IMO…my mother started a campaign against my self-confidence, as a child, with intentions to humble me…in the most traumatizing ways she could think of. For as long as I can remember I have been confident in my truth telling abilities. And there were a few times in my teens that these truths hurt my BM’s feelings. Hurt feelings in insecure people hits different because their skin hasn’t been thickened by the teflon that comes with building authentic self-esteem. These ‘thin skins’ are people who usually require tons of outside validation because if enough people buy into their illusions of grandeur…they can easily overlook the fact that there is a real lack of confidence behind that veil. Instead of digging into the discomfort of that truth…they practice top tier levels of avoidance so they don’t have to face it. (If you are curious about how I know this…’don’t werrrrrr bout it sweetheart’.)
My mother’s humiliation rituals are her chosen game of avoidance and she picked her controller back up when I started the group chats. Me being the one to challenge her, publicly, triggered her inability to cope with her perceived rejection…so she reverted back to the only way she knows to invalidate my words. She picked at one of the ‘feed-in-flaws’ SHE GAVE ME by dog whistling to the chat about the ongoing issues I have with my mental health. Insecure people go to extreme lengths to stop a conversation they aren’t ready to have and that usually involves fixating on flaws of the person who had the audacity not to talk to them nice. Flaws that were ignored when their ego wasn’t being bruised but magically become an issue when it is. These flaws usually allow the insecure to invalidate the truthful words that are spoken because if these words can be invalidated…they aren’t forced to sit with how the truth makes them feel. My mothers go-to method for invalidating my truth is by making it impossible for me to have a voice. So she planted the seed of lunacy…and I watered it every time I felt triggered by the ‘gas cards’ handed out by her and her ‘horde members’. My watering regime added credence to her claims because I legitimately looked like I was seated on the ground…next to my rocker.
Intentionally doing my shadow work is allowing me the grace to get back on my throne again…which subsequently reveals my mother’s inability to cope with my rejection of the illusions she’s had everyone believing in for so long. Her insecurity won’t allow her to coexist with someone who doesn’t feed her man-made confidence so she blocked me when I no longer benefited her. My mother refuses to acknowledge me at this point because acknowledging the version of me I now am, that comes equipped with a voice she can’t silence, triggers her default PC (playable character) that needs to feed off my flaws in order to compensate for the loss of self-esteem my truth invokes. Unfortunately for her, this food supply chain has been broken because when I speak now…I speak with a flawless kind of confidence that she can’t humble. And I say that with all due humility. So she can no longer camouflage her insecurity by highlighting my flaws because now I understand her game. And one thing an avid game player is gon’ do is continue to try and play…in the face of a level they can’t figure out how to unlock. When they can’t find the key…they desperately try to use the flaws of their defectors as a means to keep them stuck on that same level too. Ew.
Full Disclosure: I know nothing about gaming. Fingers crossed on this analogy making sense.
Love,
Choosy
