Amnesia
These thoughts were triggered by my frustration with ‘Ring Around the Rosie’…
Things have calmed down significantly on the ‘family’ front and I’m doing my best to take in every second of this peace because I know this stillness can slip into a coma at any moment. Before now, I made the mistake of getting too comfortable in the calm even though I knew it was the forewarning of a storm…so now I stay aloofly alert. Living in a constant state of almost readiness does nothing for my sanity…but being the opposite sets me up to be Donkey Kong’d by the peek a boo primates my ‘family’ turns into when they catch sight of my serenity. So I’m now trying to stay a nerve ahead of the banana nuts. I won’t lie and say this preventative care isn’t difficult because when there are no ‘a mucks’ being run…it makes me forget these people are literally my opposition. It’s like I completely forget all the toxicity force fed to me the day before…if the next day is filled with balanced interactions. Honestly speaking, if I don’t go back and reread some of the chat conversations…I’d be able to allow people that I still love to hold the same position they once had in my life. Which is the only downside of real love…it allows you to experience the lowest of the lows of a person without demanding that you cut ties if those lows are the continuous source of your pain.
Disconnecting with non Blood members has always been easy for me. I don’t like anybody past the tip of these shears…which means everybody can be cut. And the fact that I chose not to go full term with my seeds helped a lot with detaching from the ‘gardeners’ that I never thought I could live without. The privilege of not being tethered to that toxicity, by way of procreation, is a blessing I will never take for granted. But that privilege only extends to ‘others’. Because the moment my Bloods had kids…I was locked in. I’m not a stranger to cutting off the adults in my ‘family’ but no amount of stress could allow me to disconnect from their seeds. Which is why the trigger of cutting my communication with them works so well on me. I connect to pure innocence in a way that is palpable and I become uncomfortably protective when I have made a connection with this kind of energy…in kids and adults. So forgetting that this separation tactic has been reused over and over again, by my ‘triggercal trainers’, is always possible once I am allowed back in their gym. This latest reentrance of mine appeared after my little sister got a job. Because now she needs free childcare…which means she can’t afford to trigger me. She has reverted back to acting like the cool little sis I’m used to, when she stands to gain nothing from inducing my mania, and this almost made me drop my guard. But I’m onto these…ladies.
I can’t risk getting my hopes back up again by expecting this time to be different because I know where that kind of delusion has gotten me in the past. Being the ground that is landed on when that other shoe drops can only be endured for so long and I can not. I don’t like how it feels when I’m caught off guard with the true nature of individuals who I’d rather pretend are who they aren’t…so I’m choosing to keep their true form in my frontal lobe while moving accordingly. I have a long history of being tricked out of my knowing by niceties and kind gestures…only to be forced to experience Nightmare on Elm Street type tings when I purposefully close my eyes to the truth. So I’m choosing to stay awake this time. And unfortunately for my ‘sisters’…this looks like me ignoring tf out of them when they attempt to talk to me like normal human beings. My current defense mechanism appears to be ‘upsetting them and their homegirls’ but I can’t take a chance on the free falls anymore. This time…instead of me forgetting who they have been to me out of spite…they’re going to have to forget who I have been to them out of love. Because the upside of real self-love…is learning when to walk away from what no longer serves your highest self.
Love,
Choosy
