GoldenShower
These thoughts were triggered while reminiscing over all the feelings I’ve hurt…
If you were to do a survey on all my past ‘love’ connections, asking my exes whether they thought something was mentally off with me…I’m positive they would all say they think I’m bat sh*t crazy. If you were to ask them if I emotionally abused them, the answer would be yes. If you were to ask if I emasculated them, they would probably suggest this word is an understatement. And if you were to tell them I was diagnosed as ‘bipolar’….my behavior in those relationships would probably make a lot more sense to them. I never told anyone from my past that I had this ‘diagnosis’ because I never bought into the concept of my illness. To me, my irrational behavior was always a proportionate reaction to someone else’s irrational behavior but the fault always seemed to fall on me because I excel in my ability to be irrational. My ‘reaction match’ reasoning is what made it easy for me to make peace with the fact that my past partners probably still walk around with emotional scars inflicted by me…because in my mind they earned them. I went into those relationships with the best of intentions…but the circumstances their behavior put me in revealed my capacity for crazy.
I know blaming someone else for my behavior isn’t the emotionally balanced thing to do but this is how I approached making sense of my past until recently. Dealing with the buffoonery of my ‘family’ is the only reason my opinion about who I was, to people I claimed to love, changed. My ‘families’ behavior toward me has been a reflection of the behavior I exhibited in all my relationships. Seeing myself in their behavior makes it impossible to excuse away why I acted the way I used to act to the poor souls who did their best to deal with my ability to be unapologetically unbearable. The reflection of myself I now see in these bloodline banshees exposes everything about my past behaviors…from my ability to manipulate situations in order to get my way, to my ability to overlook all my wrongdoings just so I could hold someone else accountable for their wrong, to my ability be a demonic force one day only to turn around the next day and require forgiveness for my actions once I’m out of my feelings. My ‘family’ is pulling a me on me and I can’t figure out how to outdo myself…which is the same position of helplessness I’ve put people in my past in.
I can easily argue that the toxic behavior I’ve indulged in is because of my ‘disorder’. I can even shift blame to those who raised me because the evidence from 4 years of group chats validates my claims that I’m just a product of my environment. But that doesn’t take away the emotional damage I’ve inflicted. And the only way God was able to get me to show remorse for how I traumatized those men was by having me endure the same type of trauma. All this time I’ve been trying to hold up a mirror to my ‘family’ to get them to see how antagonistically abusive they are but God was using their behavior to hold up a mirror to me. I’ve been fighting against myself this whole time and I keep trying to scoonch that knowing over into my blind spot. It’s easier to pretend I’m being victimized because admitting I’m being ‘me’d on’ is annoying. Owning who I am and who I’ve been to others is my lesson so I have to keep my head down while learning about me through those who show me myself.
Love,
Choosy
