Alignment

These thoughts were triggered by my decision to autocorrect…

I owe my ‘family’ gratitude for the fact that their triggers have now started working in my favor. What a turn of events. When their triggers first started, I would do my ‘lil one two’ in regards to exercising on a weekly basis. That, along with self-medication, helped to elevate my mood. The weekends were reserved for these exercises but the rest of my week was spent laying around ingesting an insane amount of empty ‘trauma’ calories fed to me by my bloodline. I thought my mini routine was enough but when the familial triggers increased…I noticed it would take me days to recover from them as opposed to hours if I had recently worked out. So when I made that connection…I increased my 2 a week to 5 a week by adding in 3 Yoga days. My weekends are still dedicated to my physical and my weekday workouts were added in to balance out my spiritual/mental.

Back then, I knew I needed to lose some weight but it didn’t dawn on me how comfortable I had become with lying to myself when I passed the mirror. I would suck in my side chick(My FUPA…Princess Fionna…who’s a side chick because I only reveal her at night…and I can’t see her unless I turn to the side.) and feel satisfied with the illusion I bought into. I pretended to love her while also making sure she remained hidden because…that’s what she deserved. But fast forward to present day…a time where my family has forced me to keep my exercise routines in order to avoid having the mental breakdown they so desperately want for me…and I feel like I owe them a thank you. They motivated me back into a monogamous relationship with the healthiest version of myself…and back into my favorite pair of jeans.

The return of my curves has played a big part in my decision to stick to my routines because I like what I see. And I saw nothing wrong with this method of vain motivation until a week ago. While doing my Yoga I felt guided to zoom in on my thoughts and realized that this intended spiritual practice I’ve been engaging in for months on end has turned into an ego orgy. I say this because I am now more focused on the positive effects it is having on my physique as opposed to what it is supposed to be doing for the state of my mind. The ‘Zoom’ call was filled with thoughts about how I look and everything happening to me in my environment. This had become the norm. I’ve already spoken about having practically memorized my Yoga routines the last time I had to (re)center myself. This memorization has now allowed me to tune out the spiritual essence of the workout and replace it with ‘ego-centric’…‘victimized’ thoughts. My ego basically found a way to corrupt a meditation tool that is meant to destabilize it. Uncomfortably…unbelievably…unacceptable behavior.

So I started refocusing my energy to either stillness or acceptance in these hour long chakra aligning routines. The stillness is when I’m able to block all thoughts from Debo’ing their way into my mind. The acceptance is when the thoughts still come through but I remain present enough to accept them for what they are while intentionally redirecting my mind to focus on what serves my mental state the most. A thought that keeps coming up when I spot an intrusive one is “It’ll be here when you finish”. That is my way of reminding myself that I’ll still be able to engage thoughts trying to get my attention…but it will just have to be done in a way that encourages me to set boundaries with myself. These boundaries allow me to prioritize my mental well being above the thoughts that seek to destroy it. I’m doing good so far and I’m grateful that God allowed me to have enough mental clarity to be able to catch myself when He sees I’m out of alignment. A correction like this may seem small but an unchecked ego is what leads me to my manically ‘manic’ episodes. So it’s better to catch it in the early stages.

Love,

Choosy