Dis-Ease
These thoughts were triggered by my fear of ending up like my father…
I’ve spoken about my “That’s So Raven” type thoughts…which are usually followed up by absolutely no context. Most of these thoughts are dismissed if I can’t find an immediate explanation for them and eventually I’m presented with the other pieces to the puzzle that point me in the right direction. Recalling a past ‘vision’ and joining in subsequent puzzle pieces is what brought me to this post today. It involves my father, the relationship he had with his father, and my current relationship with my mother. I spoke about my father’s passing and detailed how I was forewarned about it a couple weeks before it happened in my ‘Golden Chile’ post. To be clear…I didn’t know who was going to die…I just knew there would be a death. Either way, he passed and I assume the death certificate references him having colon cancer. I say I ‘assume’ because my stepmother had him cremated and from what my twin told me…finding out the cause of death has been made purposefully impossible. But that’s not my focus right now.
When my paternal grandfather passed away…my father hadn’t spoken to him in years. I don’t have the kind of family that freely discusses emotions so I’m not sure what the fall out was for. I’ve been told my grandfather wasn’t exactly a stand up guy when my father was growing up and because I’ve been around enough of that side of my family…I can draw my own conclusions as to what kind of dad he was. From what I saw, my BD (biological dad) harbored a lot of resentment for him and in my opinion…his diagnosis of colon cancer was a direct result of his refusal to let go of that trauma. I say this because the colon is what transmutes the things we ingest into our bodies. It absorbs what is needed and creates the avenue for removal of what serves no purpose. Spiritually speaking…my BD ingested emotional abuse from his father that he never transmuted. He wasn’t taught how to alchemize his negative emotions in a positive way so he coped by engaging in behavior that only made his diagnosis worse. His energy became infected by his inability to create a channel for emotional release…and his body followed his mind.
History repeated itself when my BD died because I wasn’t talking to him either. So he was given the same experience he gave his father. When I had the ‘vision’ of ending up just like him…I brushed off the thought because I told myself that I am transmuting my emotions well. But then I thought about all of the hatred I still harbor in my heart for my mother and I realized I’m doing this wrong. I have been convinced that my consistent effort to tell my BM about herself, by way of the group chats, was the answer. Unfortunately, that is just increasing my anger because she never acknowledges me on any level. That anger is sitting on my heart and if I don’t transmute it…I might face the same fate as my BD. The fear that invoked in me led me to do hours worth of “I forgive you’s” in my mind and I literally felt my chest open up…energetically.
I started recalling traumatic memories and instead of feeling anger I decided to feel empathy. Empathy for the state of mind that causes her to ignore her emotional abuse of me through weaponizing her silence…and empathy for me for weaponizing my voice to emotionally abuse her. This empathy makes it easier to humanize her which is making it easier for me to transmute my unforgiveness. My relationship with her has affected the way I approach life so if I am able to fully forgive her…that will get me a thousand steps closer to a more emotionally sound existence…free from dis-ease.
*I wanted to focus on the fact that spell work may have contributed to my father’s illness but I have to play ‘sane’ until God says “Go”.
Love,
Choosy
