WorkEthic
Clocked in…
Last week I talked about my little sister deleting one of the group chat threads from my phone. And yesterday when I was looking for the screenshots from that prophecy…I realized that conversation was in the chat that mysteriously disappeared. Which is wild to me when I really think about it because if I didn’t have that proof…I’d sound bipolar as h*ll trying to tell that story to a person whose mind is conditioned to only believe what they see. There were about 5 group chats that transferred from the last phone I had and I took my time going through all of them to find that conversation. I started panicking when I realized it wasn’t in any of them and a few seconds after I felt my body getting hot…I remembered my GoldenChile post. That showed me the date of the texts and when I went to find the chat that coincided with that date…it was really gone. The screenshots I uploaded to the blog were all edited which is why I didn’t want to use them because I’m not concealing my identity on FB…and I don’t want them to think I’m sane enough to conceal my identity on this ‘project’. But after I realized I was using Photoshop back then…I sat in awe of how protected God allows me to be…when I do what I feel He’s guiding me to do.
The second time I attempted to do this blog…I uploaded all the unedited screenshots and spent a lot of hours editing them in Photoshop. That was during the second to the worst trigger I’ve experienced up until now and if it wasn’t for my need to focus all my attention on the tediousness that came with the edits…I would’ve lost my mind. At the time of that trigger, I didn’t even want to do the blog anymore because I didn’t feel like anyone was reading what I was writing. But something in me wouldn’t let me stop…until it let me stop. By the time that happened I had written a whole lot of posts…and uploaded an obscene amount of screenshots. After I figured out what I had labeled them…it didn’t take me long to find the unedited version of those texts and I politely uploaded them to FB.
I still can’t understand the mentality of someone who would go out of their way to erase history…but I can understand wanting to cover up undesirable behavior that could expose who a person really is behind whatever mask they choose to wear. The work I feel like I’m being called to do is bigger than my desire to massage my ‘family’s’ fragile sense of (false) self though. I know it’s been uncomfortably easy for me to ignore how my exploitation of ‘family’ business might affect those getting exposed because…I’m not on the other end of it. Truthfully speaking…aside from having to actually experience what I’m writing about…I’ve been enjoying airing out the people I share blood with. And that’s because people who would rather pretend someone is ‘crazy’ in order to avoid holding themselves accountable…and will even go out their way to delete evidence that shows who the real ‘crazies’ are…aren’t family to me and I don’t owe them any loyalty. Do I think I have a lot more work to do so I can get out of this kind of mindset? …I’m off the clock.
Love,
Choosy
