WhewChile

Caution: Looooooong post. It’s another one of those days.

These thoughts were triggered by beginner banshee behavior…

I promise I had another post scheduled for today. One where I took accountability for my hero complex and made the decision to ghost that behavior in regards to my niece and her mother. But late last night…some ‘family f*ckery’ took place which had me spiraling deep into my ‘mania’ well past midnight and I woke up early this morning and continued my journey. A new chat had to be created due to the subject sensitivity so I made another one with just the Sanderson Sisters. I gave the group that name until my meNTaLly sTaBLe twin renamed it ‘The Chosen Clown’. It’s kind of clever until you factor in her denial of knowing what ‘chosen’ even means….and her commitment to having everyone believe I’m the mentally unstable one. Either way…today was a lot and I feel like my mind is imploding…again.

I won’t start at the beginning of today’s story because I reacted more irrationally than I’m comfortable sharing so I’ll start in the middle of yesterday’s yesterday. I was talking to my niece a couple nights ago and something told me to ask her where the watch I got her for her birthday was. Out of the 7 or 8 gifts I got her for her birthday I’ve only seen the mini book bag, with her favorite Disney character on it, that my niece’s cousin was wearing one time I picked her up. I asked my little sister a while ago where the watch was and she said she still had it but I haven’t seen my niece wear it…even though it was a gift she begged me to get. I surprised her with it and the day after her party she told me she had set it up and went on and on about the games she could play on it. So I know she liked it. When I asked my niece where it was she gave me one of those ‘I want to tell you but I don’t want to get in trouble’ shrugs. I saw it for what it was and asked where the other gifts I got her were. She gave me the same shrug. My BM was in the room. So I text my little sister asking where all the gifts I got were. The gaslighting immediately began and she told me my niece only keeps the gifts she likes the most with her. But when I asked her to show me that she still has what I bought…she couldn’t produce a receipt.

Not only were my gifts discarded…but my little sister also asked me to go back to picking my niece up…and then she asked me for more money to get another rental car for the week when I told her no. My niece missed school today because I refused to stop work to take her…even though I told my little sister last week that I had too much work this week to stop and pick her child up. I spent a lot of money on those gifts and knowing that they were either sold, given or thrown away makes me feel a level of disrespect that I can’t really put into words. But my little sister couldn’t resist double downing on that disrespect by asking me to come out of my pocket again to make her life easier. I lost my sh*t. We went back and forth for a while and I ended our conversation by telling her I was going to show her what ‘bipolar’ really looks like. Then I took my annoyance back to the Sanderson chat. (SSs below) After finding out I did something exceptionally irrational this morning that could have ended badly, all of a sudden my twin decided to give my little sister a “second chance” at living with her. Cheers to me being triggered into ‘mania’.

The conversation with my twin went absolutely nowhere. I was working the whole time and didn’t end up finishing until around 6ish. I still managed to stick to my Yoga routine but my new ‘project’ is on the back burner until further notice. I’m tired. I ended up going back to the Gang Goofy chat, to piece together some thoughts that came to me after my mind invited in my “spiritual psychosis”. My BM and niece went back to our hometown over the weekend (I’ll talk more about that in tomorrow’s post) and ended up staying the night at the house of one of my BM’s besties. I have never liked this woman because her energy has always been a lot. While on the phone with my niece I noticed a miniature school desk and chair on the table next to her. I thought it was weird because it was the only toy in the room that my niece was told to go into while the adults did their adulting. I tried not to think too much into it…until the next day when my niece woke up with a runny nose that she hadn’t had before she went to sleep. It’s still running. After the backlash I received for refusing to interrupt my schedule to take my niece to school, my thoughts started going in their own direction.

I was already mid manic at this point and decided to fully commit myself by writing out what I was thinking. I screenshot it and put it in the smaller chat so my little sister could see and her response was laughter. I’m sure my thoughts sounded extremely ‘bipolar’ but at this point…I’m okay with that. Because I would rather get out what my instincts tell me in order to prevent what I feel is about to happen…from happening. And like I said in the chats today…they can just attribute my behavior to the new term my twin just learned…“spiritual psychosis”. The perspective I now see this from, provides me with that out I referenced last week. Either I’m ‘Chosen’ like my twin said I’ll never be…or all this intentional stress inflicted by my ‘family’ is driving me to the point of legitimate psychosis. I don’t have a preference either way it goes. Both are positive for me because they exonerate me and my behavior over the years. But both are negative for the horde because they show the amount of effort demonic spirits put into tearing apart the mind of someone on either side of that spectrum. This is…SOOOOOO GHETTO!

Love,

Choosy

Update: I text my niece to tell her I love her (SS below) and my little sister tripped over her toxicity trying to block me. This genius accidentally sent me the location to my twin’s new place…that I didn’t have before. I was then blocked from my nieces iPad but they know I’m prone to pop ups. Depends on how long this hiatus is for though.