ReUnited

These thoughts were triggered by my opportunity to speak truth…

Two of my nieces and nephews’ birthdays are this week. These are the ones I haven’t been allowed to speak to in three years and outside of a picture that was posted in the group chat by their father…’Gaslightning’…I haven’t laid eyes or ears on them. Every now and then I send an ‘a** clown’ text to my older brother and the mother of his children…just to take the edge off. I don’t think my words will get me any closer to reuniting with the ones I was intentionally disconnected from…but after 3 years…I don’t care to be the mature one. Instead…I like reminding the ‘adults’ that I can be just as childish as they are. About a month ago I found an index card that the birthday niece gave me like 8 years ago (I forgot to date it). She was just learning how to write so the note had some struggle sentences, but it was still the sweetest homemade “Mother’s Day” card. She thanked me for always being nice to her and for bringing them presents when I came to see them. I was looking for something else in the drawer I found it in and when I saw it…I had another one of my soul cleansing cries.

I went to the group chat…e-mee-djut-ly…and sent the picture of the pink index card she wrote on. Then I bunny hopped through all the conversations I used to have with one of my older nephews. I screenshot some of those images into the chat too and ranted about being cut off from my brother’s kids just because I hurt my brother’s wittle feelings. I knew the back to back birthdays were coming up but I pushed it out of my mind until I was told that my BM and the niece I’m still allowed to talk to (Edit: I’m blocked again) were going back to our home state this past weekend. I knew the trip had everything to do with the upcoming born days and envy poured out from all of my orifices. Lucky for me…I’m the perfect distraction from a long road trip because I spent hours talking to my niece and was on the phone when they pulled up to the house of the ‘mother’ of my ‘mother’. Initially I hung up because it didn’t sound like the kids were there yet, but I told my niece I’d pay her $5 if she recorded herself telling her cousins that I said I love them. She did that…and then FaceTimed me while they were there. She’s a keeper.

I answered the phone hoping that what I thought was happening was actually happening. And…it was! I saw the birthday duo and I don’t think there’s any surprise to anyone at this point that I cried like a newborn. It definitely wasn’t a surprise to them because the birthday niece kept telling me not to cry…right before the tears started streaming down my face. I was overcome with emotions and all I remember is telling them over and over again that it wasn’t my decision to go so long without talking to them. Those words were fighting to be heard because it’s what I’ve wanted to tell them for so long. The conversation was short because the setting was too impersonal for it to be any longer than it was. They were in a room with two of the ‘elders’ who refuse to use their position in the family to call out the astronomical audacity of the supposed mentally sane people…who handle conflict like temperamental toddlers. Did I exclude myself from that sentence? I migh…your judgement is unnecessary. After everyone went back to their prospective homes…I kept my niece company for a couple more hours up until she went to sleep. During that time my ‘mother’ sent me pictures of all three of the kids to our private thread. I don’t know if she’s trying to call a truce…but that will never happen until she addresses the (bi)polar bear in the room. So I saved the pictures without acknowledging I received them. Some f*cking nerve.

Edit: I’m grateful I expressed the truth about what was really going on in front of the niece I just got blocked from talking to. I’ve told her bits and pieces of the reason we sometimes go long periods without talking, but the age barrier doesn’t allow me to say too much. I don’t want to give her information that she may not fully grasp. But seeing that it’s not just her that the disconnection happens to will hopefully add another layer of understanding. I hate this f*cking ‘family’.

Another Edit: After a long solo performance in the chat today…I was allowed to speak with my brother’s youngest. Still in shock. I’ll talk about that tomorrow though because…I’m ‘tied’.

Love,

Choosy