Viral
These thoughts were triggered by my fearful desire to be seen…
A few days ago I told my twin to continue with her behavior towards me because I was trying to go “viral”. Truthfully speaking…there’s nothing further from the truth…but there’s also nothing closer to it either. I can’t stress enough how much I hate having a lot of attention on me. It feels like all the voices in my head start frantically screaming in different languages at the same time and my main voice is trying to whisper over those voices…telling me to calm down. When I realize I have no way to calm the nerves stirred up by all the internal chatter…my body overheats…my heart beats faster…and my flight reflex kicks in, demanding I find the fastest way to privacy. Classic trauma response, and it sums up the feeling I get every time I go out into the wild. ‘I do not very mucha liiike’. I couldn’t imagine expanding that wilderness to include virality…but I still aspire towards that because I know my story is not a one of one.
My twin has always been the exact opposite of me. She can’t stand not having attention on her. She thrives off of being the ‘life of the party’ and gets annoyed when she feels she has to share the spotlight. She’s always been the extrovert to my introvert and that worked for us…until it didn’t. When the extrovert in me started peaking out I was introduced to my twin’s inner mean girl and it took me 20 years to purposefully choose not to sit with her. I remember this guy I used to date in my early 20’s coming over to a house I shared with my twin. We were exercising our lungs in my room and my twin asked me to do something for her that I didn’t feel like doing in that moment. When I pushed back on her request she barked at me and left the room. It was just the 3 of us in there and when she left he literally asked me if I was scared of her. It was embarrassing asf but this was a pattern of hers. She always punked me in front of friends, family, and significant others. And I let her do it because honestly speaking…I was scared. Being more embarrassed than I already was didn’t appeal to me so she conditioned me to shrink myself in order to avoid her wrath.
Which is why she appears to be losing her mind now that I found my outside voice. All her efforts have gone into turning me back into that scared little sister (she’s a few minutes older) that let her talk to me crazy because she’s a bully. Well…she used to be one until I started matching her energy. I rediscovered my voice after moving out of the last apartment we shared like 7 years ago and she has been in attack mode ever since. My ability to thrive on my own ignited simmering hatred in her that boiled over when I started speaking up in the group chats. Throughout these years she has come at me from every angle to imprint the belief that I’m mentally unwell. But these claims never came out of her mouth when I was up under her a**. This kind of sibling rivalry is not uncommon but the part that is…is the spell work I feel she’s been using in order to keep me stuck in a position that she is comfortable with. Her admitting to having a “doll” on her altar is what validated the feelings I’ve had about her for a while and today I went back to the chat to detail some of the things that have happened over the years that led to my suspicions. (SSs below)
I have no desire for anyone to ever know who I am but I do have the need to get my story out because I know I’m not the only one who has experienced the kind of spiritual warfare that I have…at the hands of blood. My intention up until this point is to protect my privacy but the world we live in doesn’t deal in anonymity. Everyone wants to be seen and they pay more attention to moving pictures. The other project that I feel guided to start will allow a version of me to be seen but I keep starting and stopping its production. It’ll get done eventually though. Because I see videos all the time of people who feel like their family is against them, I see tarot readings that speak to a collective of people who are being energetically attacked because of the gifts they possess and I see kids who desperately try to gain the affection of those put here to love them only to come to the slow realization that the love they seek won’t be given because jealousy is blocking it’s path. So I desperately want my work to get an insane amount of attention…I just don’t know how to do that without sacrificing my ‘peace’ of privacy.
Love,
Choosy
*Update: My twin never responded after I sent the picture of the voodoo doll and I have no intention of going back in to rant. There’s a full moon coming up and I already know what the play is. I’m still blocked from talking to my niece, the blinds of my neighbor still haven’t closed and maintenance has to enter my unit the day after the full moon for…maintenance. So the line has been set. It’s just up to me whether I take the bait…again.
