TrueStory

These thoughts were triggered by acknowledging my reality…without resistance…

I revamped my ‘About’ tab on the blog a couple days ago after looking at my analytics. What I had before was written when I first started this third attempt and I feel like I wrote from the perspective of feeling like people would automatically know my origin story. So I took the opportunity to correct my mistake. I know throughout the blog, I’ve gone back and forth about whether I actually believe I was diagnosed correctly and in this moment..I’m still on the fence. But for the sake of argument…I’m deciding to own the looney tune label given to me…for now. While writing my new intro I sat in the discomfort that comes with admitting that my mind has essentially been deemed defective. While trying my hardest to find offense…I started to sit with the feelings that came up when I thought about the experiences I’ve had with my ‘family’ these last 4 years. And I was stuck between anger and astonishment.

Around the last new moon, I feel like my ‘family’ did another one of their moon rituals. These usually include me being blocked from speaking to my niece…followed by them throwing their narc net out into my energetic field to see what they’re able to bring back. Around that time my twin felt the need to tell me she was moving into a loft. We were raised to compete with each other so this disclosure was meant to trigger my jealousy. The details surrounding it didn’t allow me to be as pressed as I could’ve been though. No one told me where her new place was but when their tournament of toxicity ended this past weekend…I dropped something off to my niece that I forgot to give her on our spa day. I asked my little sister what the address was and I was surprised when I was told to come to the same complex my twin had been staying in. So I assumed my twin lied about her move and I acted accordingly. I text the group chat, once, to eXPoSe her fairy tale on Monday and told them I was renaming the chat the MUA’s since they’re always “making sh*t up”. I followed up yesterday after (re)angering myself with my assumptions by asking my twin why she told that lie…right after my communication was cut from my niece. Initially she was blocked but I told her I unblocked her after posing the question.

She replied by sending a picture of the interior of her new place and proceeded to tell me to “find something healthy to obsess over”. (SSs below) Which means she answered the question that boosted her ego but ignored the part that would deflate it. She ended up sending an Insta story that said in so many words…’no one gives a f*ck’. And this pretty much sums up the year I’ve been reliving for 23 years. I get baited into having a manic reaction…and when I give the performance being requested…I’m gaslit into believing I’m the one that’s touched. Which took me back to the new words in my ‘About’ section. Accepting my ‘diagnosis’ requires me to accept the fact that belonging to a ‘family’ who’s been purposefully inciting my mania all my life…is my true story. I don’t think anyone is running to the opportunity to claim a truth like that. So I’m still working on accepting the truth about my ’family’…that comes with the truth they told me about me. Because I want to be very mindful when showing them the story their subsequent behavior towards me created.

Love,

Choosy