Triggerton

Disclaimer: Triggered = Long post.

My toxicity is high and my patience is low…

I’m in my feelings…I hate my ‘family’…and I want to take a nap. I woke up yesterday in a good mood and by the end of the day I had to talk myself out of going to the store to get a wine black. My niece was once again used by the Sanderson sisters to get me out of character and I took the opportunity to give what was asked of me. In a ‘cLaSsY based’ way though because…“I’m a laaaady”. I knew the new moon/eclipse was coming up so I was waiting for their monthly trigger attempt. My BM deciding to now pick and choose the days she takes my niece to school was the soft launch and my little sister having the money to take her child…but asking me to do it, 2 days in a row, is what let me know the premier of Triggerton was here. I sent a text in the group chat on Friday about my perspective of the situation I keep being placed in. (SS below) But the thought of going back today, to vent, repulsed me. They don’t care! They just want me to shut up and do what’s expected of me because after I rant…I go back to doing everything I just complained about.

The level of entitlement being put on display by my little sister is at levels I’ve never witnessed before. (SSs below) And…I created this monster. Yesterday could’ve been avoided all together if I could learn to say “no” and stick with that answer. But I’m still in my era of over giving to situations that I see little return on. Knowing that I’m a part of the solution for my niece makes my efforts worth it but it still feels like I’m being used. Because even though I’m offering my services to my little sister…I’m only making offers to avoid the anger I feel when I’m asked. Yesterday I spoke about being trapped in toxic relationships by a baby and I’ve said before how this was done to me…by way of my nieces and nephews. The attempted trigger that played out yesterday validates my point and it makes me wish my grandfather never shot my grandmother’s club up. All they produced is trauma and no one wants to stop inflicting it long enough to do anything about it.

Speaking on abuse is not really a subject my ‘family’ wants to talk about. And my persistence just makes me look miserable for refusing to change the subject. If I talk about the abuse to the people who are actively engaged in it…it makes them feel like they have to make changes to behavior they’ve become comfortable with. If I tell the silent observers about it…it makes them uncomfortable because they then feel like they’re obligated to do something to help. So going back to a group chat of people who have shown over and over that they don’t care in any capacity…no longer makes sense to me. Because no one cares about what isn’t directly affecting them…and in this situation…it looks like I’m the only one being affected. My forced silence now has me resorting to making threats of CPS calls in order to get my point across because everyone is comfortable pretending I’m doing too much…until I actually do too much. I feel like I’m slowly morphing back into the era of my own version of Hank from Me, Myself and Irene and…I think I’m okay with that.

Love,

Choosy

Clarification A: Rereading these screenshots gave me second hand embarrassment at first but…this is me.

Clarification B: I started the screenshots in the middle. The parts I left out spoke about me picking my niece up at the usual time and my little sister telling me she had just started a client…which was a dry babysitter beg. She asked me to pick up school clothes from my twin’s house…that went left…and later that day when I asked my twin if I could drop my niece off with her until my little sister got there, so I could avoid driving all the way across town, I was told “no”. So I took my niece to the store to get her an outfit, we got dinner and came back to my house. I waited until around 8pm to ask how long my little sister was going to be and around 9 she told me she was 23 minutes away. But when I went to drop my niece off she said she wouldn’t be there until 10. I feel like this was all a scheme…my ‘sisters’ set up…to get me to violently vomit in the group chat…further feeding my ‘crazy’ narrative. I did decide to give them a show…it just wasn’t the one they were looking for.