AinNoWay
Full Disclosure: There’s a new moon and an eclipse this week and I spent all of today trying to avoid the triggers purposely attempted by my ‘sisters’. I couldn’t focus on writing so I’m posting one that was already written.
These thoughts were triggered by reminders of who I could’ve been…
“U my bm I won”…
My BD (biological dad) had a lot of admiral characteristic traits. I have to start with that so I don’t feel guilt for telling the truth about the deceased. In my dad, I saw a man who had a desire to live the picture perfect life that society told him he should aspire towards. So he had the stable career that he was supposed to retire from, the wife, the dog, and the mortgage. But at his core…he was for the streets. I didn’t know this until I got older, and by that time he was like 15 years into his marriage to my stepmother…a woman men like him consider gold mines. She allowed him to play in her face, often, and because of her upbringing…she never left. IMO…she was better off being the same ‘bm’ he turned my ‘mother’ into because the only thing that separated them were unkept vows.
My first serious relationship was with a man that reminded me of my BD. I did everything for him, because that’s what I saw my stepmom do and their marriage was all I had to go off of. That worked until it didn’t because just like my stepmom, I was pouring into a man who was emotionally broken…and I attracted him because I was broken too. Whenever I chose to stop trying and attempted to cut the connection…I came up pregnant. Because toxic men who want to keep a woman they have no intention of doing right by…use pregnancy to chain that woman to them. And toxic women hold out hope for the fairytale to come true because we’re usually quite delusional. My former favorite cousin, who was born a week after us, used to tell me that a man is usually always able to get his ‘bm’ back. Because no matter what that man does…the ‘bm’ will always want her family unit together. He told me that before I ever got pregnant and I still hopped and skipped into the trap(s). Why didn’t I just use birth control? I was too delusional to think I’d ever be held accountable for my lack of accountability.
Being trapped with a pregnancy is a real thing that a lot of people don’t want to acknowledge. But the ‘rapper’ whose quote is at the top of this post, said the quiet part out loud. IMO, men like this, always find a woman who doesn’t know her worth yet because that means she will put up with everything that’s thrown at her. And if she ever starts to push back…a baby is used as a tool to keep her in a co-dependent state. Most toxic women don’t have fathers who teach us how to avoid the baby traps that they tricked our mothers with and most toxic men don’t have mothers who prepare them for a trauma bond they’ll never be able to break…from a woman who reminds them of the one they were barely raised by. The cycle is rinsed and repeated throughout generations…until someone heals. But by then…the curse has been spread to children who didn’t ask to be born into our dysfunction.
Love,
Choosy
