Wanted
These thoughts were triggered by the knowing that the joke is always funnier…when it’s not on you…
God called my bluff. I’ve been complaining for a while about the amount of time I don’t have to put towards the progression of the other ‘project’ I’ve been putting off…for the last couple years. My excuses have always worked because even though I’m in solitary confinement, I never not have something going on. My work schedule just added to that fact so I’ve been able to pretend to be too tired to fully commit to having another ‘brain child’. But God has a way of making me look dumb in the face and this last week was filled with this reflection. Because after He freed up my schedule…not only did I talk myself out of the first concept I had for this ‘project’…I completely switched lanes on the direction I want to go in. Which gave me another plausible excuse for delaying its inception because I have to learn another new skillset. But…I have time now…so my excuses don’t mean much.
I’ve spoken on my apprehension for coming from behind my anonymity and the biggest reason is…I don’t like attention. I haven’t always been like this though. In my younger years, I was more outgoing than I am in my present day life. I enjoyed having ‘friends’, I enjoyed being in dysfunctional relationships and I enjoyed being seen. That was before I realized I was the butt of the joke in a lot of the rooms I entered. I have my reasons for why I felt like I was the one constantly being ganged up on…but that won’t change the fact that the jokes were warranted. I was just the only one who didn’t think they were funny. My childhood planted the seed for this ‘gang’ activity and my time as a ‘mean girl’ helped it bloom. Because my karma for fostering insecurity in those I envied…allowed me to run into a lot of mini me’s over the years that received entertainment from my shortcomings. My ‘mother’ was the mean girl that set this behavior in motion and she went to great lengths to ensure that the jokes that others would later be able to tell about me…had the opportunity to be told.
The day I finally gain enough confidence to expose the full extent of psychological abuse that led to me being emotionally crippled these last 23 years…is the day I feel like my healing will be complete and my success will be achieved. Those who can read between the lines, already written, have an idea of what my BM set in motion for me because I’ve complained about the same thing currently being attempted on my youngest niece. But I’m not at the place in my journey to humility to come all the way out with it to strangers on the internet…again. I know my testimony is what God is wanting me to share but…I’m still going through the test. And if I start this new ‘project’, I have a feeling it will speed up my inability to slow down the inevitability of me speaking on it. There’s a scene from one of my favorite movies, Wanted, where Angelina Jolie’s character shoots a curved shot. That one bullet ends up deleting a group of her peers who went against the code of their organization. The issue with that is…in order for her to take everyone else out…she had to take herself out too because she was in the line of fire. That’s the fate that I feel is awaiting me and…Ion like det.
Love,
Choosy
