TiTea
These thoughts were triggered by my recognition of innocence…
My ‘family’ and I are all currently engaged in an emotionally abusive relationship, with each other, and no one has been successful with going their separate ways. Every time I try to leave…I’m sucked back in by the illusion that my presence is needed even though I feel like my ‘family’ could easily fill the role I’m currently playing for my niece. They’re just choosing not to. I think this choice to overwork me is a result of them wanting to punish me for getting the furthest anyone has ever gotten, to removing themselves from the bOnD of this bloodline. Still having to be a part of this ‘unit’, on their terms, makes me resentful so I tell them the truth…in a way that abuses their emotions. And my little sister showing my words, out of context, in order to sway my niece’s opinion of me is on brand for their way of showering me with similar abuse. I used to lose my temper when situations this serious would happen…and be treated like it’s no big deal. But now I’m learning to save my UNO draw 4 cards…so I can stack them…when it benefits me the most.
Not being liked is a sickness I tried my best not to catch when I was growing up. I still have the tendency to soften my tone in order to come across more appealing but being liked by strangers isn’t something I choose to fixate on anymore. But when it comes to my nieces, nephews, and second cousins…the thought of not being liked makes me sad. When my little sister first sent her text letting me know how my niece responded to my written words…I tried to convince myself that it didn’t matter if I end up not being liked by her because I’m not her mother. My brainwashing was almost successful until I acknowledged that I’m okay not being liked for a truth being told on me but…not for a lie. So after pretending to renege on picking my niece up…I went to get her and had a pre-adolescent pow wow. I never know how much to say to her because she’s still a child so I decided to keep my emphasis on her not putting anyone on a pedestal outside of herself and God…and I stressed the importance of cleaning what we mess up.
I’ve noticed that whenever I have serious talks with her…I get irritated by my voice. It morphs into the ‘adult’ voice my parents used to use with me and it’s annoying to listen to. So I tried to lighten my tone so she didn’t tune me out like I used to do. I reinforced the lesson that I’ve been telling her for years which is not to be too quick to trust words until she sees what a person does. And I explained that I haven’t been getting her from school as often as I used to because I want her mom to start doing it on her own again. I stressed, over and over and over again, that my actions have absolutely nothing to do with her and told her this is an issue that adults deal with sometimes. By the time I finished she was over it but I’d rather her be annoyed with my ability to drag a conversation out…then walking around thinking that I secretly dislike her…because I openly dislike her mother. I told her I was glad that her mom gave her the lesson of people not always being who they seem to be because that gave me the opportunity to tell her what to look out for in the real world…as opposed to the toxic one our ‘family’ has constructed.
Love,
Choosy
