Spiteful

Caution: I felt like telling the truth about myself today.

These thoughts were triggered by removing my Joker smile…

The voice in my head that I try to keep locked away in the basement of my mind was let out today. I wouldn’t have even known she was out if she hadn’t spoken through me earlier because she’s quiet until she’s not. It’s been a couple mont…weeks since she spoke on my behalf because I really am trying to delete the version of myself that accidentally speaks recklessly…on purpose. But I manifested her return because…I secretly wanted a reason to plausibly deny my toxicity. This voice spoke up for herself earlier this morning after I sent a text to my little sister telling her I could play pick up. I didn’t receive a response so I went to the group chat to spread my agitation. I screenshot that text to my little sister afterwards. (SSs below). Her reply summoned my spite and I was finally given a reason to be irrational. I kind of was but when I took a step back to dissect the situation I couldn’t fully commit. Because all I saw was her returning toxic energy I was trying to give her…right back to me.

I know who I have the potential of being…even when I pretend I don’t. This ‘potential’ allows me to purposely agitate those around me in order to get a reaction that will allow me to release my rage. And I do this because…I have a lot of unaddressed anger. I honestly just realized that the angry…antagonistic spirit I have dwelling inside of me is what birthed the voice in my head that spoke for me earlier. Little Miss Spiteful comes out whenever I can no longer pretend I’m not annoyed…by something meant to annoy me. So while I pretend not to be bothered…my other voices poke…and poke…and poke those who get under my skin, for the sole purpose of having them respond. And when they do…I speak from my voice of spite…that exposes how I really feel. This version of me says what I’m normally too scared to say and my words never come with remorse. In the past…it’s written me a few checks I couldn’t cash so I won’t pretend to be a tough guy because…I’m just not that girl. But I can say that the behavior I used to exhibit did coincide with the mentally ill diagnosis my ‘mother’ insists I was given.

So when my little sister responded to my attempt to trigger her…by telling me what she told my niece…I wanted to have a response that was more spiteful than the one I gave her. But I’m trying to grow so I didn’t do too much. And as much as I want to sit and play victim over how her text made me feel…I have to own the fact that I’ve been poking her for a very long time. So I took the information she gave me and did what I needed to do with it…by having a heart to heart with my niece when I picked her up. I’ll talk about that tomorrow though. At this point I think it’s beyond obvious that I don’t belong to a ‘normal’ family. So the responses I give…and the ones I receive will always speak to that. I’m very aware that I know exactly what to say and do…to get the reactions I desire from them. Which is why most of my family has gone silent because once I’m in that state of mind…they can’t outwit me. My little sister likes to squabble though…so she usually reacts in a way that allows me to release my anger. Which is what I was going to do today…until I realized that she was just paying me exactly what I earned.

Love,

Choosy

Clarification A: The texts my little sister read to my niece were from the day she asked me, at 12:18 am, to take her child to school.

Clarification B: She’s right about her getting a job. If she gets a typical 9-5 I’ll be put in the position of babysitter…and I’ll protest that too. So I have to acknowledge that my passive aggressive decision to focus on her not having one…is just my frustration for feeling like I’m not heard when I tell them they’re putting pressure on me that I can’t handle. Pressure that wouldn’t be here if my mother would clean up her own mess…that everyone is still pretending doesn’t exist.