It’sMe
These thoughts were triggered by sitting with my inner antagonist…
Ok…hear me out. I know it’s been a running theme for me to moan and complain about the trigger attempts I get from my ‘family’ every moon cycle. And that’s still a thing. Yesterday was the full moon and I received what I thought was a trigger early that morning. But this time…I ended up being the one who triggered me. After School activity season has started and a couple weeks ago I told my little sister to let me know when my nieces fees were due. Full Disclosure: Contributing in this way makes me feel like I’m needed so I offer my funds to compensate for the self-worth that I’m still building. My little sister never responded so I assumed she was taking care of it this year. Since my offer…she’s attempted to trigger me a few times and my desire to make it as uncomfortable as possible for her to ask me for anything grew stronger each time. So when my niece randomly FaceTimed me while she was on her way to school…on the day of the full moon…I should’ve caught on quicker to the team my sister tagged her child into.
My niece ended up asking me to pay her fees and I was immediately annoyed that my little sister had her do this. Then…I remembered how many hoops I’ve been making her jump through recently. I ended up telling my niece to tell her mom to text me and when I didn’t get a text…I sent one. I would post the screenshots but I was more childish than usual…and it’s uncomfortably cringey. I basically sought out the opportunity to be spiteful because I was triggered by the assumption that I was about to be used again. But towards the end of the exchange…I remembered that I was the one who initially offered to bust my wallet wide open. By that time I had already sent 2 texts to the group chat ranting about another “ritual” being attempted on me. Face…….Palm. I’m really glad I intentionally decided not to give details. The position I took in the private chat with my little sister was to shame the recent financial flexes of the Sanderson sisters. And when I highlighted the fact that they’re now relying on me to provide funding..my ego started holding me softly from behind. So I decided to self-correct by saying less in the group chat.
In less than 30 minutes…I managed to trigger tf out of myself. I’m attributing some of my fear to the PTSD I feel though. And I was kind of right with my expectations because when I dropped my niece off my little sister kept us waiting again…and then pretended she didn’t have the phone, that she can’t live without, next to her. But if I’m being honest…I earned her pettiness…again. Either way, she never got back to me after I told her I would keep my word and pay the fees so I’m assuming the points I made about her needing the ‘family’ mental patient to help out financially got through to her. I’m back to playing driver but I feel like this is what God wants because last week my job made some changes to the workflow. My employer removed a routine process that has been in place for years and this is literally cutting my days in half…on most days. I’m honestly still in shock and since then I keep feeling my cheeks raised in a smile…even when nothing is going on. I don’t know if I’ll be asked to make good on my cash offer but if I am…I won’t be triggered because…it was my idea.
Love,
Choosy
