Gifted

These thoughts were triggered by sitting in my woe is me energy…

So….the Banshee Bunch had their ‘family’ reunion recently. I honestly forgot about it until my niece filled me in on the details. I doubt anyone was expecting my presence since I hinted at my inclination to call in a peum peum threat the last time I spoke on it in the chat though. Why would I say something like that? I feel judged…so I’m pleading the fifth. From what I heard…the party was dry asf without my presence. Am I lying to make myself feel better? Yup. My niece went on and on and on about the food and the pool and the games and her cousins and blah blah blah blah blah. But I listened with real interest because she was really excited about her experience. I was doing a good job of not breaking character, but my eye started twitching when she got to the part where my ‘mother’ gifted all her kids…and my niece…with Pandora bracelets and charms. Each of their charms had ‘son’ or ‘daughter’ on it and my niece loves jewelry so she was smiling from ear to ear when she showed me hers. I smiled and was genuinely happy for her happiness but a part of me wished I could disappear for a few seconds to let out the scream that was clogging my throat.

Gift giving has always been my ‘mothers’ love language and I inherited that skill from her. She has a really good eye and has always picked out gifts that I love. These gifts have started many arguments because she’s also been known to be shady with her picks. When my twin and I were in our 20s my BM bought us heels one Christmas. Mine were Jeffrey Campbell dupes that I still have to this day because they’re so unique. But when my twin opened hers…I genuinely questioned if my BM liked her. Hers literally looked like the shoes Minnie Mouse wears and they had the audacity to have a strap around the ankle. They gave every bit of ew. This shadiness happened a few more times and the last time an argument broke out. We were gifted robes that Christmas and I got an adorable leopard print one and my twin got a very plain purple one. After the argument…my BM started buying us the same gifts. Looking back I can see that this was on brand for my BM. She takes turns outcasting her kids…while pretending she has no idea what she’s doing. Things like this is what birthed the unspoken competition between all of us and my BM always sits back and watches the breakdowns that her actions manifest.

Now that I no longer care to be conquered and divided by her…its my turn. Nothing in me would have ever thought my BM would go to the lengths she has to separate me from everyone else though. She literally planted the seed of my mental imbalance to everyone and now she’s perfectly fine with going to ‘family’ reunions…without all of her family. My grandfather passed last year and I was the topic of conversation…at the funeral I wasn’t invited to. My little sister told me that my uncle, who I had slow roasted in the chat, couldn’t stop talking about me and this gave me the opportunity to release the rage I had for being excluded. My niece is my only pair of ears now though and hers were under water for most of the reunion. So now I’m left having to sit with all the anger I feel for the fact that not only am I no longer a part of my ‘family’…but my ‘mother’ is going out of her way to make it known that they’re doing just fine without me. Knowing that she’s the one that set this all in motion irritates my whole soul and I want to find a reason to spazz in the chat so bad. But I know the powerless part of her loves to feel like she can puppeteer the emotions of her children. So I’m choosing to sit with my feelings of abandonment instead of pleading through my chat rant anger, once again, for her to acknowledge that she purposely chose to discard me.

Love,

Choosy