TimeOut
These thoughts were triggered by my ‘families’ continued inability to prove me wrong…
I put myself in ‘TiTi time out’ again. I’m not sure why I keep doing the same thing while expecting a different result but I hope something in my mind clicks right before I decide to do this again. And by “this”…I mean telling uncomfortable truths to any member of this reality avoidant horde. Because they don’t want to know how I feel about the way they behave…they just want the ability to freely behave like I have no feelings. I’m not sure how I come across in this blog but in real life…I’m very vocal about what I feel. My apologies if this takes you by surprise. My family has had a hard time adapting to my newfound ability to articulate my emotions because I haven’t always been this good at it. I was raised to cower before the pedestals they placed themselves on but it’s now a no for me. So my decision to air out my agitation on their most recent trigger attempt seems to have set me up…for another trigger attempt. The broomsticks are now back outside and they are flying circles around my patience.
A couple days ago I posted the screenshots of a conversation between my little sister and I. She asked me to babysit M-W…I told her I couldn’t do all 3 days…she was ok with whatever I could do…I tried holding her accountable about the last time she reneged on allowing me to babysit because I made her mad…she tried to gaslight me into believing I made it all up in my mind…I got triggered and asked her to pay me back some money she owes me… my request made her mad…she reneged on asking me to babysit. And now, not only does she no longer need my services…but my niece’s iPad is back to being ‘dead’. Full Disclosure: I finally finished building my niece’s kitchen set that I got her for her birthday and I want her to see it because last time she was here it was only halfway done. But this witch “rearranged” her schedule for Monday…so I text her Monday afternoon letting her know I could babysit on Tuesday. She told me, at 4am, that our ‘mother’ was taking my niece somewhere Tuesday morning and that she’d text me letting me know when my niece would be otw to me. That text never came. I text her tonight asking if she still wants me to get her on Wednesday…still no response.
Long story longer…she’s mad I didn’t allow her to move forward, like I used to, peacefully pretending her last attempt to trigger me never happened. And she is even ‘madder’er’ that I was able to use her own behavior to point out her pattern of gaslighting me when I try to hold her accountable…in real time.
All this proves is that the only way I’m able to have any kind of a relationship with these people is if I intentionally ignore their abuse. The moment I speak up…they cut my connection to those they know I care about…the kids. Before they had kids…my ‘family’ conditioned my psyche to remain silent by cutting my connection to them whenever I’d challenge their toxicity. And I was always the one running back and apologizing to them because I used to value our relationships. Silencing my emotions so that they felt more comfortable made it easier for them to think their toxicity was normal, which is why I’ve never received an apology from any of them…to this day. But now that I don’t care about mending relationships I didn’t destroy…their only option is to use my relationship with the kids against me. So when I say I’ve been engaged in an abusive relationship with my ‘family’ for the last 4 years…there is no trace of exaggeration in my words. Their intention is to (re)silence the voice I spent years fighting to get back because they know that when I use it…it renders them speechless. Telling the truth really does shame the devil(s).
Love,
Choosy
