ReelLife

These thoughts were triggered by watching my fears play out in a cartoon…

I went on a date this weekend…with my niece. She had been talking about the Inside Out 2 movie all week and I’m a fan of emotionally intelligent cinematography. So when my little sister asked me to babysit while she went to work…we spent some time reclined in heated seats…with our legs propped up…in front of popcorn and a jumbotron. Best decision I’ve made all month. And now that my niece is getting older, I was able to fully immerse myself in the plot because she no longer requires a half dozen bathroom breaks and a million off topic conversations. Her ability to focus allowed me the privilege of tearing up in peace when I realized that Pixar had taken all the fear and anxiety I have surrounding the possible experiences awaiting my nieces/nephews and projected them into a cartoon’d format. I did my best to tilt my head backwards to prevent the puddles in my eyes from trickling down my cheek because I’m tired of giving my niece reasons to feel justified in jokingly asking me “are you gonna cry” every time I go to display an emotion. I succeeded in concealing my outward cry but my insides were torn tf up.

It seriously amazes me how the emotional range of humans is introduced to us in a way that shatters both our innocence and our sense of self...simultaneously. The whole time I was watching the movie all I kept thinking about was how ill prepared I was when the fullness of my emotions were first introduced to me. Then my mind started wandering off while recalling stories about emotions, told to me by the nieces and nephews I’m no longer able to talk to. 3 of the 4 are now teens and this is the time where they’re being introduced to a new set of emotions. One of the worst arguments my older brother and I ever got into was about his inability to give my 2nd oldest niece a hug after she experienced some bullying at school by a girl that she was convinced was her friend. My brother and I spent weeks arguing about it in the chat and to this day he has never as much as hinted at understanding why I felt a hug from him to his child was appropriate. When I told him he also needed to reaffirm that she did nothing to deserve what was done to her…he said something to the effect of ‘I’m not raising any punks’. So the fact that I’m no longer able to be somewhat of a sounding board for her feels like someone is plucking the fingernails of my psyche off one by one.

I don’t know what emotional space they are in now because it’s been 3 years since I’ve been allowed to talk to them but last I heard they’re all being homeschooled now. I think that was my brother’s way of rectifying the bullying issue without going outside of his comfort zone and that scares me. In the movie…Riley ends up figuring out how to regulate her emotions on her own but in real life it takes longer than 3 days to accomplish this. And if there are no adults showing a child how to navigate through their emotions, this self-regulation may never happen. It seems like a lot of parents are comfortable taking the easiest way out by assuming their child will eventually figure it out on their own and this only allows trauma to settle into the subconscious. So by the time these kids become adults…they will be shells of themselves if they haven’t been taught how to cope with their emotions. The way this niece copes with not being taught how to cope is now starting to reveal itself but every time I bring this to the attention of my brother I’m gaslit into believing I’m projecting my own insecurities onto her.

So now I’m being forced to watch the beginning stages of her cries for help go unanswered just like mine were…while all the adults around her bank on the fact that these things will work themselves out. Same script…different generation.

Love,

Choosy