Social-ites
These thoughts were triggered by my repulsion for the kindness my ‘family’ is showing me…
Somethings wrong! I’m not sure what’s happening right now but the agitators in the horde appear to be overcome with decency and it’s freaking me out. I wasn’t going to speak on the softness I now feel coming from my sisters but their behavior has been getting progressively weirder by the day…so here we are. Last week I made somewhat of an extreme exaggeration and told my twin, in our private thread, that this ‘project’ has been generating me income. I didn’t say how much…I just told her “I’ve been eating off y’all claims of ‘mental stability’…real bad.” Full Disclosure: Whenever I feel like I’m backed into an uncomfortable position…I possess the ability to lie. Am I a liar?…I can definitely manipulate the truth if no one will be hurt. I equate this lie to an ‘unwealthy’ person screaming that they’re going to 'call their lawyer’ in a situation where they feel powerless. This feels right because I know my ‘family’ isn’t moved by my feelings alone. If they were, their triggers would have stopped a long time ago. They are, however, the true definition of a social media family. Meaning they live and die by the opinions of strangers on their socials. So insinuating that I’m monetizing off of these ‘strangers’, who are relating to my side of the story, seems to have struck a chord with these ‘social-ites’.
The only way my lie was able to appear truthful is because I actually have extra money right now. I paid off a payment plan, I’ve been on since last year, for some dental procedures so I have more income to dispose of. My favorite pastime is shopping for my niece and because my twin is housing them right now…she sees what I buy for her. So in her mind…I’m making money off the ‘hobby’ she spent years making me feel dumb for doing. And now all of a sudden…she isn’t as abrasive. I’m assuming my lie grew legs and walked over to my little sister’s awareness because she has turned into someone I don’t even recognize. For the first time in all my birthdays, that she’s been present for, she made a big deal about it. When I came to pick my niece up…my little sister, her boyfriend, and my niece walked up to the car with balloons and a card AND they sang Happy Birthday to me! Never in the history of ever has my little sister done more than text me her well wishes on my born day and I was visibly uncomfortable throughout the whole 12 count. I’m not sure if the lie I told my twin has anything to do with their surge of niceness but I’m one text away from telling them I made it all up so they can ‘curb their illusiasm’.
It would make sense for me to be happy that what I’ve been asking for all these years finally appears to be taking shape…but I’m nonsensical. If their behavior came before they assumed I was turning my pain into profit it would’ve been a lot easier for me to trust their intentions but these hoes aren’t slick. They’ve known I was documenting my experiences online but now that they think others are empathizing with me…they want to give me good things to speak about. Not even a whole week after they failed to trigger me into having another ‘manic episode’. But this is our familial cycle. We push each other to the brink of a breakdown one day and when it’s convenient for us we force that person to forget our actions…by way of our refusal to acknowledge them. This is the temperament my ‘mother’ raised all of her children with and breaking this cycle may never happen. We were also raised to believe that what others think about how we show up in the world is the determining factor for our self-worth so I have a strong suspicion that their unsolicited tactfulness will continue. Which means I need to figure out a way to throw a monkey wrench in this operation cause I’m not going.
Edit: My little sister revealed her hand. I don’t feel like rewriting this post so SS’s below. They will never acknowledge their behavior which is why I’m glad I have receipts this time because if I didn’t…they’d still have me questioning my reality.
Love,
Choosy
Clarification: She owed me money that I chose not to ask for but I’m back to being petty.
