Weirdos

These thoughts were triggered by the selfishness of adults…

I have a long history of being the favorite in group settings. I also have a history of being the most hated…and both these things have been true...all at once…within the same group of people. I usually end up being the favorite of the person my energy connects with the most because if I connect with you, in a positive way, I feel compelled to pour as much affirming love into you as possible. Unfortunately, groups are never made up with all like minded souls. So there are also souls that my energy desires to be disconnected from. I still feel compelled to pour into these souls as well…but because of their disposition…I usually pour in the toughest form of my love. So the hatred is usually the result of some realizing that they are receiving the less desirable version. In my humble opinion. This scenario has played out in my life a lot and it always seems to happen with adults…and the kids they are responsible for setting examples for.

The first time I was emotionally aware enough to recognize this dynamic playing out was when I ‘ran away’ in my mid 20s. I met a ‘friend’ through work that I became really close to and in the months I stayed in that city we hung out a lot. I met most of her family because I spent my free time at their place as a means to reduce the amount of time I spent at the shelter I was staying at. One of the people I was introduced to was her 8 year old niece who I bonded with from the moment we spoke. The girl I befriended from work loved to be the center of attention so my instinct told me to starve her of it. Her niece, on the other hand, seemed like she was always the one overlooked by the antics of her aunt so I poured all my energy into her when I was around. The work ‘friend’ started making rude comments about how the child liked me more…in front of the child…and I was weirded out because I had never witnessed an adult compete with another adult for this kind of attention. But as I got older…I noticed this is uncomfortably common. My intention in that situation was to pour in the confidence that I felt the kid was missing. Unfortunately, this was a trigger to the person in her life whose job it was to instill this confidence.

When humans establish relationships with others..there is a vain part of us that feels envious when that person bonds with someone else. I’m just as guilty as anyone else but when it comes to children…that sentiment is weird asf to me because a child deserves as much love as possible from anyone who can be trusted to genuinely give it. But I now see this issue of envy is one I’ve unknowingly been having with my little sister too. Before the triggers..I was her encourager. I poured into her a lot but that shifted after I started picking up on her oppish behavior. When my niece was born my attention turned to her and I purposefully pour a lot into her because I want her inner child, that is currently being molded, to know what that feels like. I honestly think my little sister is now subconsciously punishing me for taking away the version of my love I used to pour into her and giving it to her child instead.

The same is true for my older brother’s forever fiance who I used to be close with. I was the opp in this situation though and we fell out years ago because I was too selfish to stop myself from taking her kindness for granted. But even with that truth considered…she didn’t cut my communication with her kids until she saw us forming real bonds. The nail in the coffin came when me and her first born started bonding over anime. He’s a teenager, and the only one in his household who is really into that genre. So I picked up on the fact that he may have needed someone to encourage his individualism. I asked him what shows I should watch and our bond started to grow. The moment she caught wind of that…all of a sudden I was too crazy to speak to her kids. This was right around the time the group chats started so I gave her the bullets she shot me with.

I don’t know if my fixation of bonding with kids, through positive reinforcement, has anything to do with the guilt I feel from my three seed homicide…but I do know that pouring positivity into a child shouldn’t invoke the kind of envy I have seen from their ‘adults’. Adults are here to be a guiding light to the children around them and that guidance shouldn’t be gatekept when your feelings are hurt. But for whatever reason…if adults aren’t being positively poured into…they usually don’t want anyone else around them receiving this either. Kids should be off limits in these weird offs.

Love,

Choosy