SweptWoman
Update: Triggered and still in time out. She never text me back.
These thoughts were triggered by having to share a space with my estranged womb donor…
My niece had her party last weekend and outside of my interactions with the kids…I was pretty much on mute. I had to interact with my little sister but our exchanges were short and only pertained to party topics. The first person I saw when I walked in was my BM and her reaction to my presence made my skin crawl. She…smiled. Astronomical audacity. We haven’t spoken to each other, face to face, in over a year and the last time didn’t go the way she planned. I had come to pick my niece up for practice and my ‘mother’ was at their house visiting. My little sister tried to have us speak because my mother’s dad had passed away a few weeks before but my emotions were paused because I was the only one in the family who wasn’t extended an invitation to the funeral. I have to be honest and say that prior to his funeral…I did tell the chat I was going to show up wearing a t-shirt that stated “He died an adulterer”…but this was after I wasn’t invited. Was I out of line for saying what I said?…I plead the seventh…(‘bipolar’).
Full Disclosure: My grandfather and I weren’t on good terms when he passed. At one point in the chat he told me to ‘kiss his a**’ after I gave him some words of discouragement. I earned that response but he officially lost my respect. I passed up on answering the last call he ever made to me months later and I never felt any desire to listen to the voicemail he left. To me…he played a key role in the dismantling of our ‘family’ structure and his inability to acknowledge his behavior allowed me to treat him like an enemy instead of an ‘elder’. I feel no way about how our relationship left off. But when I didn’t get an invite to his funeral…I still made a big deal about it because “I excel in my ability to be illogical”.
I was fully prepared to pick my niece up for practice that day and leave. But after my BM came up to my car with her phone pointed in my face, telling me that she “worries” about my little sister allowing me to watch my niece because she still feels I need to get help…I took my time reminding her of all the help she needed…that led to my subsequent need for help. And I was extremely detailed with my explanations. When she couldn’t formulate a rebuttal she walked off and ended the conversation. Much to my surprise…my voice didn’t quiver the whole time I spoke. Before then she had never witnessed me using my voice to stand up for myself WITHOUT getting emotional. I am and will always be the ‘family’ cry baby and they all know it’s not a real conversation if I don’t shed a tear. My inability to control my emotions used to give her an out so when I failed to show any…she had no leverage. So she weaponized her silence.
The second to last in person interaction we had was at another one of my nieces birthdays. This took place year 1 of the group chats and I was just finding my voice. I knew I had no intention of speaking to anyone at the party but I was too scared to stand on my decision so I wore one of those clear face masks and used a black marker to write “Here for (Niece)…Family: Please Don’t Talk To Me.” The mask turned out to be useless because my BM refused to stop talking to me. This was back when I thought it was against the law to be disrespectful to her so I sat there looking dumb…speaking to her through a mask that specifically stated I didn’t want to be spoken to. It took me years to find enough courage to put my feelings before hers but after I tapped into that ability…all her imaginary mind control disappeared. That ‘tap in’ told me that her refusal to clean up the mess she made…no longer hints at my presumed obligation for being the rug she keeps sweeping it under. So now when she sees me…she just smiles awkwardly with the hopes that I’ll ‘lie’ back down. The irreversible damage has been done though so her smiles are left unacknowledged while I scream in my head ”I’m still standing…I’m still strong”. (IYKYK)
Love,
Choosy
