Denial

Update: I saw my niece today and redid her hair…but after arguing with her mother via text…I was blocked as soon as she was picked up.

These thoughts were triggered by my inability to ignore my reality…

Denial needs to be classified as a narcotic. It makes some people, me included, completely dissociate from reality and I‘ve witnessed many lives be ruined by the refusal to accept truth. And from what I’ve seen, witnessed, and experienced…pride/ego is the gateway drug to this addiction. I’m still knee deep in my obsession with watching cop cam videos on YouTube so I now ingest an insane amount of reality avoidant individuals on a daily basis. Most of them are under the influence of actual drugs/alcohol but their behavior falls right in line with individuals who are under the influence of ego. There’s a heightened lack of self-awareness in both instances which prevents the people who are intoxicated from making sound judgement calls. When this influence leads them to violate man made laws…a jail visit usually follows. But there are no man made laws for individuals heavily influenced by their ego so God has Spiritual laws in place. Exercising humility is one of these laws…and humbling individuals who refuse to humble themselves is the Divine Justice that follows this violation.

My own ego played a big role in my violation(s) against my unborn children. I kept getting pregnant because my mind was conveniently in denial of that being a possibility. I still honestly feel like I was ‘baby trapped’ but I should’ve been on some form of birth control so there’s that. At the time I gave no consideration to how God would punish me for sending my packages back to Him but dealing with my siblings makes it impossible to ignore my sins. I am at the mercy of their petty kindness and they are the gatekeepers to children who have my heart. Last night I sat in my conviction that none of this would be happening if I had gone through with having my own kids and that humbled tf out of me. I’ve reached this conclusion many times in the past but every time one of the kids is used as a means of silencing me back into submission…I come back to this thought. Truthfully speaking though…any children I would’ve birthed would have had no other choice but to be the ego maniac I was at the times I conceived. And even though I was 27 the first time I got pregnant…I was still a child myself.

My pre-teen mindset would’ve required my seeds to live through my efforts of trying to get my emotional state on track while simultaneously forcing them to sit around waiting on me to get my finances together too. And in this world…this is socially acceptable parenting. We are a species inundated with denial and instead of us accepting how ill prepared we are to bring children into this world…we eagerly draft them into our delusions. This is the reality of all my nieces and nephews which is why I’m addicted to being an aunt. But the Divine Justice I’m receiving for the unrelenting denial of my past life is my current inability to choose when I get to have a relationship with them. It wouldn’t matter as much to me if we hadn’t developed bonds…but the fact that we have makes this punishment that much worse. I can’t go back and change my decision to abort and if I’m being honest…I wouldn’t. So while I sit back…triggered by parents who use their children as statement pieces…I have to be humble enough to admit that I wouldn’t have these issues if I would have had my own.

Love,

Choosy