BabyMomma
These thoughts were triggered by my attempt to trigger someone else…
I’m verbally abusive. This is a personality trait I’ve possessed for many years and it’s also one I keep convincing myself I’ll release one day. Its potential is still here though…sitting in the corner of my mind waiting for me to be offended so it can be reached. In my last post I hinted at the toxic text tournament my little sister and I had. But I chose not to include the screenshots for a few reasons. The second to main reason is because I didn’t want to show me emotionally abusing someone that is too young to understand the impact of her actions. My little sister is at an age where she still believes her manipulative behavior can’t be seen. I equate it to a child who lies to an adult that already knows the truth. For the longest I’ve given her a pass because she is literally just repeating the behavior she witnessed growing up and irrespective of what logic I give her, it will never override the seed of dysfunction that was planted into her subconscious as a child…until she sees the dysfunction for what it is. A couple years ago I told the chat that every time she triggered me…I was going to go in on her ‘mother’ because that’s who set the example. She got too comfortable with that though so now when she triggers me…I shoot baby momma bullets at her until I feel like I have returned the favor.
I know that when I use this term, in a certain context, it can tap the nerve of a single mother. A couple months ago I started using this phrase when referring to her as a means to hurt her feelings. Before then I had no intention of hitting that far below the belt but after a while, I no longer felt the need to protect her ego. I always feel an internal eruption right before I spit this insult out and my intuition usually tells me not to do it. But the satisfaction I know I’ll get, from being toxic, overrides my empathy and I say exactly what I know I shouldn’t. This last argument I called her a “miserable baby momma” and I felt guilty as soon as I sent the text. Not because I probably hurt her feelings but because I’m being to her who we both saw her ‘father’ be to our ‘mother’. Her sperm donor has to be one of the most verbally abusive males I have ever known and my little sister witnessed his inability to control his feminine tongue…and his hands…up until the age of 4 or 5. That’s when my ‘mother’ finally decided to leave him but by that time the belief that this kind of love was normal had already been implanted in her psyche.
When I decide to tear her self-esteem apart by minimizing the kind of mother she is…I add to the abuse that she already needs to heal from. And I do it knowing that she needs to be in a good state of mind in order to be the best mother she can be to her child. So my ongoing decision to discard my self-control, just so I can feel satisfied in the moment, is still affecting her and the child I claim to love. I try excusing away my guilt by telling myself sHE’s ThE oNe WHo sTArtEd iT, but at the end of the day…I’m supposed to be the big sister who claims to be so healed. I have no idea how I’m going to alchemize the venom my fangs want to release when dealing with a grown child…but I feel like if I picture myself talking to the innocence of her inner child, that was emotionally stable prior to her parents ripping the rug of balance from underneath her, I’ll be able to curb my desires to imprint more trauma onto a mind that already has enough trauma to process. It’s not my place to coddle her by excusing away her behavior…but her actions also don’t give me the right to verbally abuse her when I’m in my feelings. I sent a text to the Goof Troop chat asking them to relay my apologies, since she still has me blocked. But I feel like the more logical thing to do is for me to stop acting like a child…when attempting to correct her childish behavior.
Love,
Choosy
