Sojourner
These thoughts were triggered by a conversation…
I say a lot of ‘outta pocket’ things. All of what I say is the truth…from my perspective…and I freely speak it to whoever will listen. The truth, as I see it, isn’t always palatable though which is the reason some people refuse to ingest it. I suffered from being a picky eater of my own ‘cooking’ for years but I managed to start force feeding myself truths that I wish weren’t really true. I didn’t fully develop this ability until my mid 30’s and as time has passed…I’ve gotten better with accepting reality. But that acceptance doesn’t change the fact that I still occasionally feel embarrassed when saying out loud to others…truths that have been stamped by my soul. The reactions I’ve received from others, even when I come from a place of love, feels like outsider ears hear something completely different than what my soul is saying. And I’m left trying to figure out where the disrespect is coming from. Because if my soul can’t go to the ear canals of others for validation…’where the h*ll could it go?!’
When something I say with my inner voice fails to sync with what is heard when my outer voice speaks…I’ve been known to sit in fear of how someone else is viewing what I said. I go in my rabbit hole and wonder if I have now made it to their ‘this b*tch is crazy’ list. I have the ability to stay in this hole for a while, if no other thoughts grab my attention, and after my panic attack is over…I find something else to fixate on. This happened a few days ago when I was speaking to a Spiritualist and after telling her a story of a paranormal experience I had several years ago…I legitimately asked myself if my truth was digestable. I knew the experience I detailed actually happened…but saying it out loud wasn’t as enticing because it sounded like something a ‘crazy’ person would say…according to what I’ve been taught. I didn’t have the same fears I would’ve had if I was speaking with someone who wasn’t in tune with all things spiritual…but that didn’t stop me from wondering how this story would sound to someone who isn’t as spiritually aware.
That put me right back in my rabbit hole because I started fixating on some of the things I’ve said in this blog. Which led me to wonder about how my words will be perceived by those whose minds have been conditioned to see things within the pocket they were taught to live inside of. This panic attack hit different though since I no longer have fear of whether or not I’ll be perceived as crazy because…”It’s above me now”. My fear now is how many people will miss the message of my words because I say things that align with their souls but not with their ears. We are a species that was taught to weigh our beliefs against what is socially acceptable and that is the template our ears hear from. But our spirits know that we are just souls…inhabiting a vessel. And what our soul hears won’t always make sense to a belief system we inherited…from ‘elder’ vessels that were also indoctrinated with socially acceptable ideals. Before I expanded my understanding to include things that weren’t taught in scriptures…I saw ‘crazy’ in anyone attempting to share their supernatural experiences. Now that I’ve had my own…I have a better understanding of metaphors like “He who has ears to hear, let him hear”. Because God speaks to us through our souls…and truth is His love language.
Love,
Choosy
